10 signs you're at a bad baptism

10. The Coast Guard is involved.

9. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.

8. Pastor wears scuba gear.

7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."

6. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River" instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?".

5. You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't know about that drop-off!"

4. The pastor can't get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for help.

3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.

2. Just as the choir starts to sing, the Croc Hunter jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.


1. Two Words: Alka Seltzer

Feel free to add your own.

11. There's a public Safety notice outside the baptismal tank stating that 4 people have drowned since 2002 in this tank.

14. They ask you to slip out of your clothes so they "don't get wet" and don't give you anything to put on?!?!

15. They issue you coveralls that are 5x's to small and mistake your wheezing and gasping as "the move of the Spirit".

16. They issue you blue robes and when you come up out of the water, The Mormon Tabernacle bust out in a rendition of "Hallelujah" while a Good Morning America correspondent tries to interview you for their new profile "Religous Kooks in America."

LOL! @ the others added!

17. The attendants tell you: "Whatever you do, don't struggle, it'll only make things worse."

18. The baptismal tank has been replaced by a water tight chamber that fills with water to ensure that your are fully submerged. Just as you begin to calm down, having been assured that the tank drains rapidly once the oral formula has been pronounced, you notice scratches all around the top hatch.

LMAO @ number 16!!!!!

19. The Baptism water is brown and really smelly.

20. You need a shoe horn to get out!