Breaking news: Bonds/Make a Wish

Really heartwarming story, IMO:


HOUSTON, TX--Members of the Make-A-Wish Foundation struggled to come up with a response to a dying 9-year-old boy’s request that they punch slugger Barry Bonds in the nuts repeatedly. The boy, Danny Ambler of Houston, Texas, reportedly hates Bonds and wants nothing more than to see him in debilitating pain. The director of the foundation said that it was the first such request that he had ever received.

“Frankly, I am surprised that punching Bonds in the nuts hasn’t been requested more often. Actually, this is a first. Obviously the kid really hates Barry Bonds, as a lot of people do, but I don’t know if we can comply with his request,” said James Scott, managing director of Make-A-Wish. “We’ll have to call Barry and see if he’s OK with it. I mean, it is his dying wish, so we should do everything we can to make it happen. What really strikes me though, is the fact that Danny isn’t even interested in doing it himself. He's happy just to watch someone else do it. Now THAT'S hatred.”

Danny has been diagnosed with Cancer and is expected to live another six months. Upon hearing about his condition through a mutual friend, Scott immediately met little Danny to set him up with the foundation. After mulling over his wish, Danny decided it would be fun to watch his least favorite ball player get punched in the nuts.

“I kept asking him if he was sure,” said Scott. “And he kept saying ‘yes.’ I offered him all kinds of other stuff, but he was adamant. He wants to see Bonds doubled over in pain clutching the family jewels before he dies.”

Scott apparently offered Ambler a chance to meet Yao Ming, have a one-on-one dinner with David Carr, and get an all access pass to the Houston Astros spring training. As appealing as these offers sounded, nothing was more appealing than the ruthless beating of Bonds nutsack.

Mary Ambler, Danny’s mother, said her son has always had a deep, seething resentment towards Bonds and other steroid enhanced sluggers.

“A lot of people hate that guy, so it should be understandable that he would request something like this,” she said. “Danny is not some stupid kid who blindly worships athletes. He only roots for guys who are good people. He’s heard enough Bonds interviews, as we all have, to know that the guy is an arrogant, selfish prick. I’m sure a lot of people in America would love to see the guy get his nuts rammed with a sledgehammer. I know I would.”

Scott has been trying to come up with a way to present the idea to Bonds. He does not expect the slugger to agree to be kicked in the grapes, but he may agree to make an appearance with young Danny, at which point they could ambush him.

“That’s the only solution I can come up with right now,” said Scott. “As bad as it may sound, we might have to trick him into showing up, then just sneak in a few quick nad-punches so Danny can get his wish. After that, we might have to run like hell, but this is a kid’s dying wish. We can’t say no. And frankly, we don’t want to. Actually most of us here at Make A Wish cannot wait to nail Bonds in the marbles.”

The director’s biggest concern, he said, is Bonds willingness to show up at all, even for a brief handshake and autograph session. The famous slugger has a reputation for being ornery and extremely private, even when it comes to cute, dying children.

“I know this guy doesn’t do autographs and things like that,” said Scott. “I know he has a track record of turning down charity causes. I know because one time I asked him to send a sick kid a signed 8 x 10 and he said no. Can you imagine that? He just had to sign it and send it out. He said he was ‘too busy.’ Then I told him that he could just have his secretary sign it and send it out, and the kid wouldn’t even know any better. He said ‘Nah, she’s too busy.’ Then I asked him to just turn his head slightly and look in the direction of the young boy, who was sitting behind the dugout. He just said ‘Nah. Got a sore neck.’ That’s why, if we can pull this off, I’ll be the first in line to smack him in his steroid-shriveled raisins.”

While most sick children request time with athletes they admire, Danny said he'll be perfectly content to see an athlete he does not admire suffer greatly. When asked why he had such antipathy for the steroid enhanced future hall-of-fame slugger, young Danny answered with his usual candor.

“Why do I hate Barry Bonds? There are so many reasons. I just think he’s a jerk,” said Danny. “He’s so conceited and he thinks he’s better than everyone else and he’s sits there in that stupid reclining chair in the clubhouse like he’s the king of the world or something. Not to mention the way he admires his homers. For fuck’s sake, just run the bases. The admission of using steroids is just the icing on the cake. Having terminal cancer really sucks, but I swear I’ll die happy if someone punches Barry Bonds in the nuts. Is that too much to ask, Mr. Scott? Don’t you want to make a dying boy happy?”

Says Scott, “I am going to do it not only for Danny but for mankind. I am going hit him so hard in the sack that he is going have to lift his swollen schnutz to take a leak.”

Scott ends the interview by saying, “We have been doing all we can to encourage Bonds to comply with the Make A Wish Foundation’s requests. So far nothing has been working. We plan on hanging rubber chickens on the fence around Bond’s estate every time Barry Bonds denies the last request of a dying child.”

LMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! Where did you find this sillyness??

Fan Forum Message Board on the Astros team site.

Some guy in Houston had a slow morning at work, apparently.



Come on Barry, give the kid a little happiness.

he'd have to have a pretty accurate punch to hit those boys now....