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I hope he’s ok.

Damn

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If only more people would follow your same path. Are you still honest with people, just nicer about it? I have problems with that, I think I need to read good book or something. My dad was the same way.

To be honest I feel like almost everyone around me is too sensitive for me to say exactly what’s on my mind. I’m still honest with people, and that’s my personality, but I do hold back at times because I’m afraid of isolating myself from everyone else as “the asshole”. In reality I’m very reasonable, probably even more so than most of those around me, but just have a different perspective than others. Because I hold back, sometimes that anger comes out the wrong way, at the wrong time.

When I’m being fully myself I’m definitely not being an asshole (Obviously sometimes I am cause we all are) but some think I am so it paints me into a corner. Other times I say nothing at all because I feel like if I say something I will be an asshole and won’t give a fuck who it upsets.

So I am unable to confront somebody without being a complete dickhead, and often teeter between overreacting and not reacting at all.

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Damn.

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@Soup_and_Beer you need a hug

What it was that started it, is that I went on vacation to see a friend of mine. He had the week off as well, so we found all of the schools with the straight killers, in an MMA/BJJ manner. I had the good luck of meeting several of them and spending a few minutes totally not fellating them.

On top of that, I went to a firearms training class when one of the big names came through and it was quite a lot like meeting those fighters.

Every single one of them that I met was unfailingly polite and friendly to an almost patronizing degree.

I spent a lot of time thinking about it and something occurred to me: The people who really could smoke check everyone in the room without breaking stride, let alone a sweat, weren’t assholes. If they could be that pleasant and friendly, then there’s absolutely no reason at all for me to be anything but the same.

Furthermore, I (legally) carry a concealed handgun with me every time I leave the house. That, more than the other experiences, made me really think about how I behaved. Is someone cutting me off in traffic worth a gun fight where the best case scenario is that I’ll spend the rest of my life in prison? What about someone bumping into me at the grocery store? How about someone not holding the door for me? Are any of those worth the life altering cost of my ego?

Absolutely not.

As for honesty, I think of it this way: I keep my judgements and my opinions mostly to myself. I’m not any better than anyone else. I sit down to shit, just like everyone else. I do a back flip into my pants every day, just like everyone else. I have good days, bad days and everything in between just like everyone else. On what pedestal could I stand long enough to tell someone else that I know more or that I’m better at something than they are.

If someone goes out of their way to be an ass, then yeah I’ll give as good as I get but even that is more or less a waste of effort when there’s so many better things to be putting my time in to.

If I have a friend that asks me about my thoughts or opinions, I give it to them but I don’t intentionally do it in such a way so as to put them on the defensive. I don’t make friends easily so I only have just a small handful and I love each one as a person would their closest family members.

Think about it this way with an example.

“Jesus Christ, you fucking drunk are you fucking shitfaced again today?!”

Now the person is only interested in defending and probably counter attacking. Saying it that way isn’t going to accomplish or help anything. However, there’s another way that has far better chances.

“Hey buddy, you’ve been drunk the last 11 times we’ve spoken. Are you doing ok? Is everything going all right? Can I help with anything?”

See? Both of those are saying the same thing but one is incredibly offensive and insulting while the other states that there’s a problem and that, because I care a great deal about the person, I’m making it clear that I want to help and that I’m not interested in fucking with them over it.

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Concealed carry has changed a lot things in my behavior and patterns. I agree that maturity, accountability, and responsibility have added a challenge ll to my perspective.

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Quite frankly, I find i carry less nowadays.

I am in MA. I would go to jail forever.

Does anyone know Upperdog off here? I have been concerned about him since this took place. I didn’t want to bring attention to it as it is possible he got embarrassed for oversharing that led to him requesting his account to be deleted. I sent him my number to try to talk to him but he didn’t call and asked to have his account deleted. Per what he said in here he obviously is in a lot of pain and I want to make sure he is OK.

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It would have to be an admin or @Kirik that steps in. We don’t have access to the info.

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FRAT WARNING

Yeah I know what you mean. That’s really cool that those experiences made you realize that about yourself. Most people have tunnel vision and don’t see what is around them.

You’re definitely right about the wording being used. Tone/inflection/volume all matter too. The problem is, outside of my leadership experience in a professional environment, I have yet to meet more than 1 or 2 people in my life who are okay with hearing the complete truth. I’m actually pretty quiet, I’m not judgmental (or keep it to myself), I’m understanding and I’m pretty private. What I mean is when it’s a close family member, and I feel like I have to say something. A boundary is crossed or I’m trying to help somebody. Sometimes it’s regarding my own kids.

Big changes and traumatic experiences affect us greatly but usually it’s the little shit that compounds into a bigger shit cluster that we are no longer able to handle. Here’s an example of one of those small situations:

Last February (2021) my father in law passed away. My mother in law couldn’t afford their house (disabled with no disability) so we converted the workshop in our garage into a room for her. She moved in last April so about a year ago. She isn’t a bad person to live with necessarily but she does a lot of little things that irk me and my wife. One of these things is that she can’t let go of personal items because she gets attached to them. This includes anything from documents and clothes to radios and electrical equipment. Since she has moved in we have had three instances of losing power in her room, when it had never happened ever before, and that was my workshop where I operated power tools.

The first time this happened it turns out the main breaker panel had a circuit that needed to be replaced but it happened due to a temporary surge in power. She had overloaded a circuit on the sub panel because she had an old extension cord worth a hospital bed (electrical), TV, AC, etc all plugged into it. Why did she do this? Because my late father in law “modified” the cord and she didn’t wanna get rid of it. We told her to throw away all “modified” equipment and gave her heavy duty extension cords, and made some changes to how things were plugged in. The second time, she burnt out a receptacle. How, you ask? She had a really old electronic bug repellant plugged into the wall (the ones that are supposed to emit frequencies that keep bugs away). This device had a fucking plug in it but had nothing in to protect from a surge (a plug in a fuckin bug repellant?). She decides to plug her lamp into this plug and plug the device into the wall. Receptacle is done and I replace it. I throw the device away and reiterate WE DO NOT USE MODIFIED OR OLD ELECTRICAL EQUIPMENT. THIS COULD RESULT IN A FIRE. But she has boxes and boxes of shit, there’s no way wife and I have time to go through all of it to throw it all away.

The last (and most recent) time was her coming into the house at 7:30am. I had just gotten up and was about to start breakfast. She comes in and says she has a problem, that all the power is out in her room and it was her fault. Naturally this pissed me off, just really felt a burning in my chest, and I paused for a second, controlled my breathing, and said “just go wait… I’ll look shortly”

Of course I had a tone when I said but wasn’t yelling or really even raising my voice (would never do it with the kids around anyways). She knows I’m pissed. I go out there and it turns out all that happened was a breaker tripped. How did it trip? Let’s all say it in unison. SHE USED MODIFIED SHIT. She plugged in a toaster that her mom bought in 1975 and my father in law spliced years ago. It immediately tripped the breaker. So then I told my wife and she says that her mom is probably upset because she thinks I’m mad at her. I said okay, good, I am, and she knows it. So now my mother in law is upset and walking around the house all pissy like a teenager, because she fucked up, and it pissed me off. I went out and explained to my mother in law a while that she pissed me off not because the breaker tripped, but because she didn’t fuckin listen the 7 times we said stop using old ass electrical equipment. I said I am pissed off. I’ll get over it. But we are telling you this for a reason, we are the ones who have to pay for it and fix it, you could start a fire, the entire house could lose power, you don’t understand. So yes I am pissed off but I’ll be fine.

But she has very low self esteem so when she pisses somebody off, she tries to guilt trip them into feeling bad for her. It’s unhealthy and fucked up. That’s a small example but it’s the little shit like that, basic decency and respect, boundaries are violated, and then she wants me to feel bad when I react. I never even went off on her or insulted her or anything.

Sometimes I feel like the only reasonable person on earth. I have no problem owning my own shit and learning from it, it’s literally how I have grown and developed at every stage in my life, is fucking up and figuring out how to do better. Without that mechanism in my brain, who knows what I’d be doing. I shouldn’t feel that way in my own house.

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^^^^ sometimes I give unsolicited advice but only to close friends and family and only when I feel it’s necessary. I strongly believe in people taking care of themselves and asking for help when they need it. Sometimes I’ll ask if they want advice or just want me to listen.

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I would suggest to delete the posts in here from Upperdog and his account deleted request thread. It is possible these embarrassed him and it is why he left. Deleting that may help him return and then from there in private several of us can offer advice to help him.

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Bro, there’s a difference between dealing with someone who’s being a dick for the sake of having something to do and someone trying to burn your house down. A breaker can still short and melt even if it’s blown.

Have a talk with her and tell her in no uncertain terms that she’s not going to be doing any of that shit again and that, if she does, you’ll remove all of her things. Obviously you don’t have to call her names or tell her that she’s stupid or anything but there’s not a lot of room to move.

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Yeah for sure. Myself and my wife had that talk with her. My wife seems to know how to talk to her, which is weird, cause she’s just rude to her. Lol. If I spoke that way it would be a problem, but it works for them. She seems to have gotten it but who knows, she’s possibly the most stubborn individual I’ve ever met in my life.

I personally don’t ever think I’ve been “rude” to her but she might tell you differently. She’s sensitive. My wife is too but we have developed a style of communication over the years. There are some topics that are troubling, but we’ve improved a lot, and I can at least tell her when it’s too much.

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That’s really the trick. Some folks communicate differently with others and finding out and figuring it out is the hard part.

Of course there’s folks that just aren’t compatible. I remember a knock down drag out fight when I was still married about where to put the trash can in the bathroom when we moved into a house together. Apparently “I don’t care” was the wrong response.

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Lol. That’s a familiar place.

We saw a comedian a few months ago, DeRay Davis. I wasn’t super familiar with him but he was hilarious. He was talking about relationships and at one point he said something like “no dude in here has ever gotten as mad as he really wants to in front of his girl because he’s afraid that if he does, he will scare her and she will leave”

It was really funny in the context of what he was saying but after the show I was thinking about it, and it’s true. Especially for myself.

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He’s not wrong. It’s usually a form of irritated confusion IMO.

“Why are we arguing about this?”

“Is it reasonable for a person to be this angry over nothing?”

“What exactly is it that we’re angry about?”

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Yes absolutely. I have these thoughts all the time. It’s another reason I let shit go, that maybe I shouldn’t let go. Because I’m thinking “am I really gonna sit here and argue with her over a coffee cup for 15 minutes? That’s fucking stupid”

Such a waste of time. Yeah let’s all be pissed for two hours off over something really insignificant that we won’t remember next week.

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Yep! My life improved when I started thinking about it that way.

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Recently I feel I have turned a corner though. There are some things I have resented my wife for, and I am realizing I can be more understanding regarding those specific things. Sometimes I can be harsh. I have made a tiny shift in my perspective and have seen a significant difference in the way we communicate, and in her resolve to make changes in certain areas.

We’ve been through a lot and sometimes I have to coerce her into having a serious discussion about something. But those conversations pay off in a major way.

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