I am going to compete in the Highland Games this weekend. I did shot put in High School, but have no idea how to throw a telephone pole. We were supposed to go to a practice to learn the events yesterday but got rained out.
How screwed am I? 
You will be fine! I did it and it was pretty easy. There are different sized ones too. 
Stone throw is just like shot.you should have a16 and 32 Pou d stone there.
The h as mmer is a 16lb shot on pvc. If you've practiced hsmmer, you should clear 70ft.
Weight over bar is a straight snatch.
The cave is fine. You'll have prep time so look at your competitors for advice. Keep it tight to your shoulder. Clasp hands and slowly shimmy down until your hands are low and you are in a squat.
Simple pop up and take your time steadying.
If it's falling, book it fast! I've seen people get desttoyed.
Btw, 3rd at PHGA nat Champs and 04 Oregon State Novice Champ.
Caber.
It'll be about 16 feet and 110 lbs. Challenge Caber is diff. 18 ft 165 lbs or so
I think the female caber is only ten feet tall but they haven't told us how much it weighs
Prob 85 or so. Strong base. ALL HIPS.
Same goes for weight over bar. Swing and pop ur damn hips
Thanks man! I don't plan on winning but I'd like to go out there and not look like a total asshole.
Good luck and have fun! I'd like to do one of those.
YELL FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM
NomoRomophobia - YELL FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOMI feel like I'd have to paint half my face blue for this and I can't commit to that. I'm going to fail miserably so I kinda want to look cute doing it.
Female logic lol