An MMA Newsfake Exclusive:
UFC president Dana White announced today that he is embarking upon a Hair Replacement Therapy (HRT) treatment program that will eventually afford him a full head of luxurious locks. At a press conference this morning in Las Vegas, White told the assembled MMA media: “Do you want to be a fucking baldy? I don’t.”
Members of the MMA press started firing off questions, the kind of hardnosed, hard hitting questions they’ve developed a reputation for.
“Do you think having hair will make you an even better UFC president?” one journalist boldly asked.
“I’m gonna be the same UFC president,” White answered. “I’m gonna wake up each morning, put my pants on one leg at a time, then crush the fucking competition and hear the lamentations of their women. Doesn’t matter if I have hair or not. Next question. ”
A reporter jumped to his feet. “Hi Dana, I have a question. By the way, I just want to say that I think you’re going to look great with hair. Not that you don’t look great now. It’s just that with hair you’ll look even, you know, greater. Anyway, my question is: When you have hair, will the fans who love the sport—and who thank you for making the sport of UFC what it is today—will those fans still continue to enjoy the best fights on Earth, with the best fighters on the planet, competing in the best organization in the world?
White nodded. “Good question, and it’s a fair question. Tough but fair. My answer is this: Like always, hair or no hair, the fans will get what I give them. And they’ll fucking like it. Okay? Business as usual.”
At this point the crowd of reporters launched into an impromptu rendition of For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow. Afterwards, Dana dimmed the lights and began a slide show presentation of various artists’ conceptions of how he might look post-HRT.
The press conference ended with an 18 minute standing ovation by the reporters and a promise by Dana White of an all new impending “huge” announcement. Stay tuned.
