Do you have a “Poop knife”?

What. 

The. 

Fuck?!?!?

Apparently A Lot Of People Have ‘Poop Knives’ And They’re Worse Than You Think

by Baillie ParryBaillie Parryabout 11 hours ago

So when I heard about this so-called ‘poop knife’ I thought it had to be a phrase from ‘Cards Against Humanity.‘ Unfortunately, I was very much mistaken. The ‘poop knife’ was shared with us by a Reddit user LearnedButt, and I’m equally confused and disgusted. This can’t be a common thing, can it? His story begins with sharing on how his family has some sort of genetically enhanced super pooping thing. I don’t know, don’t look at me. Things only seem to get stranger as the entire story begins to unfold. I’m just hoping LearnedButt, and his family is the only family with a ‘poop knife

[Light] My family poops big. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won’t flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.

Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out “hey, can you get me the poop knife”?

I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

Fast forward to 22. It’s been a day or two between poops and I’m over at my friend’s house. My friend was the local dealer and always had ‘guests’ over, because you can’t buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it’s a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.

“My what?”

Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.

“Wtf is a poop knife?”

Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.

He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.

I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn’t cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.

She will be getting her own utility knife now.

[Edit: Common question – Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn’t have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn’t. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife

Turd cutter

lol. Seems like something a great big fat person would need.

Right Hand JO Power -

Turd cutter

Literally...

a tard special?

never cut a turd in m life

PeteyWheatstraw - lol. Seems like something a great big fat person would need.

My cousin keeps a fork under his bathroom sink for this purpose. Sadly, I have never even came close to needing a poop knife. 

Haven't these retards heard of spatulas?

HAHA! This is great.

Right Hand JO Power -

Turd cutter

lol

Altofsky you need to starting a custom poop knife line of blades!

Mutant - Altofsky you need to starting a custom poop knife line of blades!

LOL

I remember a reddit story about somebody keeping a chopstick in the bathroom for this purpose.

When i had an unflushable monster I just picked it up and threw it out the window 

My step child doesn't poop for days, so when she does she goes into my step sons and my bathroom and unleashes a football sized poop which clogs the toilet almost every time and she just walks away.
One time she didn't poop for days and she thought her appendix burst so we rushed her to the er where we sat for four hours and come to find out she was literally full of shit.
How do you not shit for days? I wake up in the morning and it's like clockwork. The wife thinks it's normal and doesn't tell the kids that they should be pooping every day.

The biggest cr@p I ever saw was from a 10 year old kid at a suer camp.

As big as a man's fore arm.

We had to get an axe to break it up.

It horrified me.

 

Hammerstein -
Bad Monkey - 

My cousin keeps a fork under his bathroom sink for this purpose. Sadly, I have never even came close to needing a poop knife. 


I don't know which is worse, a poop knife or a poop fork?

A fork is clearly better. It gives you the option of being able to take it out of the toilet and weigh it, or to take it to show your friends. 

achillespitbull - My step child doesn't poop for days, so when she does she goes into my step sons and my bathroom and unleashes a football sized poop which clogs the toilet almost every time and she just walks away.
One time she didn't poop for days and she thought her appendix burst so we rushed her to the er where we sat for four hours and come to find out she was literally full of shit.
How do you not shit for days? I wake up in the morning and it's like clockwork. The wife thinks it's normal and doesn't tell the kids that they should be pooping every day.

Are you implying you guys have male and female designated bathrooms in your house?  If so, that’s more worrisome than a constipated kid.

I thought this was going to be about the Eskimo that fashioned a knife from his poop and killed people. Was that a troll?

I have taken some monster shits but never anything couldn't be flushed on its own.

I did however see one at work one time that amazed me. It was a grenade shaped monster that just was too thick to even penetrate the hole at all. You could flush and all the water would go down on the sides but the turd would just get stopped.

No clue how they got it out eventually and always wondered who left that and how wide their asshole must be to get that out.