The Epic Beard man has really quite become something else.
I first noticed this when someone posted the original video with the title "Old Man Strength really works".
Since than, the Epic Beard Man or Vietnam Tom as they call him in Chicago, has become internet famous. Not just him but who could forget the "Amber Lamps" line even being quoted by UFC commentator Joe Rogan at this past weekends UFC.
EPIC BEARD MAN FACTS!!!
EBM raised his voice once. And now we have grand canyon.
During the Vietnam war, EBM sniped Vietcongs from his porch in Chicago.
EBM once flicked a fly that was buzzing infront of his face so hard that it started orbiting the earth. When it came back around it hit him in the back of the head and immediatley bounced back the other way. This continued and the fly soon reached the speed of light and created a vortex which sucked the world as we know it into another dimension, in where EBM defeated a whole alien race, and sent us back before we even knew it. He rarley tells anyone.
EBM cries 50 cal. sniper rounds.
EBM once punched 5 guys in the jaw at the same time.
In his spare time, EBM likes to see how fast he can rip blue whales to shreds. His personal best is 1 second blank.
When EBM has a bad internet connection, he rips the internet cable out of the ground and pulls the closest internet company closer.
EBM can put a piece of coal into his beard, shake his head, and pull out a diamond.
EBM makes cookies by gathering all the ingredients and screaming at it.
Epic Beard Man went to hell once, had a great time and recommends it to friends as a great all inclusive resort. –Submitted by C.B.
Epic Beard Man thinks the Horror section at Blockbuster is the comedy section. –Submitted by C.B.
Epic Beard Man can lick his elbow while his hands are tied behind his back –Submitted by Jackson
Epic Beard Man’s favorite sport is tackle football…on top of a moving train.
One night EBM had a bar tab of $50. He gave the bartender a twenty dollar bill, stared him down and told him to keep the change.
Epic Beard Man can capitalize numbers.
EBM can feed the world with his knuckle sandwiches.
Epic Beard Man spent 10 years in the mountains studying the art of pain.
Epic Beard Man is so perfect that his avatar in Pandora looks exactly like him.
Epic Beard Man can get a slinky to go uphill.
Epic Beard Man can get $5 footlongs at Quiznos.
Fanny pack. Check. Beard. Check. “I am mothefucker” shirt. Check. Competition. Check pending.
Epic Beard Man was such a bad ass sniper that his uniform consisted of a bright yellow raincoat, glowsticks and peacock feathers.
he Richter Scale was invented to monitor Epic Beard Man’s bowel movements. -Submitted by Neil L.
When Epic Beard Man chops onions, he makes them cry. -Submitted by Neil L.
Epic Beard Man’s birth certificate is a Class 3 weapons license. -Submitted by Neil L.
Global Warming doesn’t exist. EBM got cold, so he turned up the sun. -Submitted by John F.
Epic Beard Man does not have veins, he has tiny power cables. -Submitted by Jackson
EBM doesnt wake up for his alarm clock, his alarm screams because it knows he is about to wake up. -Submitted by Eugene H.
Doc Martens tried to sponsor EBM but he turned them down, he prefers to administer his ass beatings with style. -Submitted by Eugene H.
When Chuck Norris weeps, it makes the same sound as EBM laughing.
EBM wasn’t a Pimp in the conventional sense. Random women would pay him just so they could have sex with someone besides EBM. -Submitted by Mike
Epic Beard Man was released from prison because they couldnt put all the other inmates in protective custody. -Submitted by C B
Epic Beard Man looks at babies and they give him there candy. -Submitted by C B
Epic Beard Man doesnt need GPS, he’s always on the righteous path. -Submitted by C B
EBM can’t shave because steel can’t cut awesome. -Submitted by Morgan
Chuck Norris was named after Epic Beard Mans shadow. -Submitted by Tyler H.
EBM can make a paper airplane out of a plastic shopping bag.
Epic Beard Man takes vacations in purgatory.
EBM wasn’t a Pimp in the conventional sense. Random women would pay him just so they could have sex with someone besides EBM. -Submitted by Mike
Epic Beard Man was released from prison because they couldnt put all the other inmates in protective custody. -Submitted by C B
Epic Beard Man looks at babies and they give him there candy. -Submitted by C B
Epic Beard Man doesnt need GPS, he’s always on the righteous path. -Submitted by C B
EBM can’t shave because steel can’t cut awesome. -Submitted by Morgan
Chuck Norris was named after Epic Beard Mans shadow. -Submitted by Tyler H.
EBM can make a paper airplane out of a plastic shopping bag.
Epic Beard Man takes vacations in purgatory.
Epic Beard Man didn’t have to part the red sea, it parted for him.
Epic Beard Man grew up on tough st. The stop sign knew better and let him roll on by.
Epic Beard Man eats pussies for breakfast, the asshole’s next door know to keep there distance.
Epic Beard Man caught a cold once, it asked for penicillan to kill itself.
Epic Beard Man tried to get into the UFC but they dont have a asswuppin division.
Epic Beard Man walks by newspaper boxes and they spit out the news before it happens.
Epic Beard Man sees a sign that says “line starts here” It automatically changes and says “line starts behind the Beard”.
Epic Beard Man goes to the Zoo and the Lions hide.
Epic Beard Man looked at a fortune cookie and it knew what the real future was.
Epic Beard Man had his wallet stolen once, his wallet kicked the shit outta the guy and came home.
Epic Beard Man is the only person to get the “Nobel Peace Prize” for keeping the peace just by being in the area.
There are no atomic bombs, just EBM pigging out on Bratwurst, beer and cabbage – then shitting out of a high flying plane. -Submitted by F. Hackett
-EBM is the father of Techno Viking. -Submitted by John M.
-EBM is how James Cameron came up with the Terminator. -Submitted by Ken
-Nobody knows who’s EBM’s son. Also, nobody knows who’s Chuck Norris’ dad. -Submitted by DonKamikaze from Portugal
-EBM’s fist lights up any amber lamp. -Submitted by DonKamikaze from Portugal
-Santa Claus complained that EBM stole his beard style. So EBM proceeded to kick Santa’s ass. -Submitted by John F.
-All senior citizens should have life alert. Except EBM. -Submitted by Brandon S.
-Epic Beard Man is the real Wildcas.
EBM doesnt have a bag, It’s a satchel -Submitted by Eugene H.
-EBM invented doggystyle -Submitted by Eugene H.
-EBM taunts policemen just so he can get tazed and correct his heart rhythm, because pacemakers are for pussies. -Submitted by Hoggly
-Epic Beard man sleeps with one eye open standing on one leg. -Submitted by Amdaman
-Epic Beard man doesn’t usually take buses. The place he wants to go comes to him. -Submitted by Amdaman
-EBM tought Bigfoot how to survive in the wild
-Nobody has the guts to tell Epic Beard Man that Beowolf is not a documentary.
-EBM only came here to do two things: (1) slap the shit out of tough thugs and (2) drink beer…and he’s almost running out of beer.
-In N Out has “Epic Beard Man” on their secret menu. It consists of no bun, no veggies and 2 raw beef patties that have been sitting in the sun for 6 hours.
-Epic Beard Man tans at night.
-Epic Beard Man was the shooter in the grassy knoll. -Submitted by Tony M.
-Epic Beard Man is the first person to receive a “get out of draft” notice from the government.
-Epic Beard Man is a crip and a blood. Neither side have a problem with that.
-Epic Beard Man knows where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. Authorities are afraid to ask him.
-Does Epic Beard Man have to choke a bitch?
-Epic Beard Man can cook Minute Rice in…well…you figure it out.
-Epic Beard Man doesn’t play door bell ditch. He plays door bell and stand on your porch waiting for you to say something smart.
-EBM can teach a Chinese person English in Spanish
-Epic Beard Man Facts can beat up Chuck Norris Facts.
fuck,
the internet just got over those lame ass chuck norris jokes that slowly made their way into mainstream society when they were already past their prime.. and now we get hit with another wave of it.