That last cybersex story had me in stiches. That is some funny stuff.
Just as I thought .A bunch of nuts who are cool as well.
One question. You only found one gal? Disappointing:(
But the jokes are great:) Keep up the good work.team. We will find Miss JKD or else. J.M.
thats all the incentive i need Joe
Four Married Golfer's Problems
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following
conversation
took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
golfing
this weekend. I had to promise
my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
her
a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
will
remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy
has
not said a word. So they ask him.
"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come
golfing this weekend. What's the
deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut
off my
alarm, give the wife a budge and
say, 'GolfCourse or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"
Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a
question?
Father: Sure son, what's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's use our home as an example. I am the wage earner,
so let's call me capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of the
money, so we'll call her the government. We take care of your needs, so
let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and
your baby brother we will call the future. Do you understand?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see
what was wrong. Discovering the baby had soiled his diaper, the boy
went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then
went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, saw his
father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by
his father and maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to
bed.
The next morning:
Son: Dad, now I think I understand politics.
Father: That's great, son. Explain it to me in your own words.
Son: Well Dad, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the
government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored and
the future is full of shit.
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the
docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and
said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the
morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good
care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped
his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll
keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to
lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the
Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to
Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side
and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made
them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would
place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to
have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and
Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client
and friend farewell.
By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman,
feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only
$10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste
all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America.
He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle
Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a
worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in
it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so
frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He
expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his
oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise
to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed
in the coffin contained the full amount.
Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.
The Fosters had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start
their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Foster
kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't
know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Foster cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Foster, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Foster.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm
sure."
"Don't I know!!", Mrs. Foster exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Foster exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs.
Foster the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Foster.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Foster, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when
the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Foster leaned forward. ''You mean they actually chewed on your,
eh...equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Foster looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam?
Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
Think about all the bullshit and lies we could destroy if we take charge of this magazine of evil.
If men wrote for COSMOPOLITAN...
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing: your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive resent, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this.
His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and
he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.
Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as You should -he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious
meal.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you just do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out – while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show
this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
Hey guys. Ok. Here is a place to discuss non related or martial stuff. Post pics for the Miss JKD contest and generally get goofy and vent any way you want. One rule. Follow Forum protocol and same as before respect every one. Leif seems to think I might be letting the Genie out of the bottle with you nuts. We will see.
So if you guys got pics, got some' thin to say, or what ever, Let loose. Hopefully we will get some GOOD STUFF. If the thread goes cool, I will renew it. Now, Play nice and if you have to go potty. Just raise you hand. J.M.
That Ron Baliki is one lucky S.O.B....so is Shannon's husband...so battle of the REAL JKD hotties...what are your picks?Diana?
Or...Shannon
Here is a contestant for Miss JKD.
This is hilarious...doesn't matter what your position is on weapons:
Best Comeback Line Ever...
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day
and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning
guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to
love this!!!!
It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female
broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor
a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not
one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended
O.K. I am at work so I can not import for you all but my vote for miss JKD goes to:
www.francinedee.com
If you have never seen her then you can thank me later. Also if anyone has the time or inclination please import a forum appropriate shot or two so we can all vote fairly.
And keeping with Joes attempt to attract female visitors perhaps we should have a MR. JKD as well...Ladies be our guest.
Taku.
FRANCINE DEE
FRANCINE DEE
FRANCINE DEE
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to
meet
the chief. The chief says to the
cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a
day
for three days. On sundown of
third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse.
The
cowboy grabs the horse's ear and
whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes
off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps
off the
horse and goes into the teepee
with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical
white
man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him
his
horse. The cowboy leans over to
the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on
the
ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets
off and
goes in the teepee with the
cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man -
going
to die tomorrow and can only think
of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white
man.
What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him
his
horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells,
"Read
my lips! POSSE, damn it!
P-O-S-S-E!"