The $100 Offer
One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking
down
the avenue, when they observed a
rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking just ahead of
them.
One of the men turned to the other
and remarked, "I'd give $100.00 to spend the night with that woman."
To their surprise, the young lady overheard this remark and, turning
around,
she said, "I'll take you up on that."
After bidding his companion goodnight, the man accompanied the lady to
her
apartment, where they
immediately went to bed.
The following morning the man presented her with $50.00, as he prepared
to
leave. She demanded the rest of
the money, stating, "If you don't give me the rest of money, I'll sue
for
it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see
you get it on those grounds."
The next day, he was surprised when he received a summons, ordering his
presence in court as a defendant in a
law suit. His lawyer told him the woman could not possibly get a
judgement
against him on such grounds, but it
would be interesting to see how her case would be presented.
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as
follows: "Your Honor, this lady, my client,
is the owner of a fine piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a
profuse growth of shrubbery, which
property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of
time
for the sum of $100.00. The
defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the
purpose for which it was rented, but upon
evacuating the premises, he paid only $50.00, one half of the amount
agreed
upon. The rent was not excessive,
since it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted
against the
defendant to insure payment of the
existing balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent
had
presented the case. His
defense, therefore, was somewhat changed from the way he had originally
had
planned to present it. "Your
Honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of
property,
that he did rent such property for a
time and a degree of pleasure was derived from the use of the property.
However, my client found a well on the
property around which he placed his own stone, sunk a shaft, and
erected a
pump, all labor being done by him.
We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to effect
the
unpaid balance and that the plaintiff
was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We,
therefore
ask that judgement be granted in
our favor."
The young lady's lawyer came back with this, "Your Honor, my client
agrees
that the defendant did find a well
on the property and he did make said improvements. However, had the
defendant not known of the existence
of the well, he would have never rented the property. Also, upon
evacuation
the premises, the defendant
removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him.
In
doing so, he not only dragged his
equipment through the shrubbery, but he also left a hole larger than it
was
prior to his occupancy, making it
accessible to small children. We, therefore, ask the judgement be
granted in
the plaintiff's favor."
And she got it!
Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the
other,
"How's your sex life, buddy?"
The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time the misses and I have
sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating. "
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the
same
problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed.
When she
started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It
gave her
such
a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd
done
it
years ago!"
The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, how
did
you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last
night we
were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through,
so I
fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said."
The first guy says, " So??? What happened?"
The other guy says, "So.... she bit my cock, shit on my face, and a
naked
man came out of the closet with his hands up! "
the jkd girls are so beautyfulls, nices posts ;)
This Panda Bear goes into a resturant and sits down to have lunch. He looks at the menu, orders his food and eats it promptly on it's arrival. He then shoots the waiter and gets up to run out the door. As some bystanders are attempting to subdue him someone screams "let him go, thats what Panda Bears do". The Panda noting the crowds momentary distraction runs out the door and dissapears.
Confused and shaken the resturant owner pulls out a dictionary and looks up Panda Bear. It reads...
Panda Bear: Small black and white bear, lives in Asia,
Eats Shoots and Leaves.
He he... (sorry)
Taku.
Taku,
i heard that one as the panda and a prositute and she asks for payment and he shows her the dictionary "eats bushes and leaves" - i like yours better!
http://cgi.sagenetworks.com/joey/cj_7059.swf
Make sure your sound is on, and you are not
where you could be in trouble for looking @
some titties...
An anonymous girl, lets call her Jen, is a junior in college attending
school in Colorado. Like all college students,
she is wrapped up in the partying and the wildness college life has to
offer. Jen being the computer science
major that she is does however have a lot of work to do on her computer
so
when she's not out having a good
time, she's working her butt off desining computer programs and
installing
software.
One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home
alone
on a friday night for the first
time in the three years they had been dating. She was sad alone and
depressed, so she decided to make a new
homepage. She was playing on the net when she decided to get onto a
chat
line, being the wild psycho she is
she decided to get onto a sex line. So jen got onto a sex chat line and
started playing around on it.
Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy, she
started
playing with him. She gave a false
name, saying her name was "Katie" and started getting into detail about
what
she would like to do to him with
her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being naked while
his
hands ran over every square inch of
her body. Soon they were having cybersex. This went on for awhile, and
then
she got off the line agreeing to
meet him back on the line the following night.
Saturday night rolls around, and Jen is on the line with Jeremy again,
they
become even closer this night, so they
continue like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started
talking
about other things, and got into very
intimate issues and feelings. They became close, exchanging their
lives, Jen
didn't tell Jeremy she was in college,
because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. She
felt
guilty, but after a few weeks, she
really liked this guy.
This went on the two of them like this for months, and months turned
into a
year. By the end of the year they
had exchanged the most intimate thoughts, and yet had never even spoken
on
the phone. They were afraid of
ruining the mystery. They had done everything sexually possible over
the
net, they were affectionate as well,
waiting for the day that they could some day be together. They finally
decided they had had enough. They
wanted to meet each other, they were in love and they had to meet. They
didn't care about age or looks or
anything but each other. Jeremy told "Katie" he thought she could be
his
next wife. Jen was leary at first but
decided she didn't care how old he was or how ugly he was, she loved
him. He
was the only one she could feel
comfortable with.
So...they planned a trip to meet in Vale, Colorado. They were going to
spend
the weekend together and finally
meet. Jen didn't want the hassle of having to find him, so she said,
"Why
don't you just get the room and we'll
meet in the room that way there will be no mistake". Jeremy agreed. Jen
showed up at the resort first, and
checked into the room telling the desk lady to hold the key for the
next
party, so she went into the room.
She wanted things to be special so she lit some candles, put on some
music.
She stripped naked and climbed
into the bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he got
there. The time soon came, the lights
were out, the mood was right, and she heard a key in the door. She
heard
someone walk in and around the
corner, and she whispered, "Jeremy". Jeremy said, "Katie?". "Yes", he
said,
so he fumbled for the light, and
turned it on to see Jen on the bed naked before him. Then next thing
heard
around the world were two blood
curling screams. Jen covered herself up, and with her most humiliating
voice
said, "Dad?" and Jeremy said,
"JEN!!!"
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he
turns
to go to the front desk, he
accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow
goes
into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436"
Blame Joe he started all this
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed
into keyboards gets pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one
of the
two cyber-surfers in the following
transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of
cyber
sex. Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels.
I
work out every day, I'm toned and
perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a
pair
of blue sweat pants I just
bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of
barbecue
sauce on it from dinner...it smells
funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the
stereo
and candles on my dresser and
night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its
way
down to your crotch and begins to
fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides
off
my warm skin. I'm rubbing your
bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in
your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I
breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck.
Do
you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back
undoing
the clasp. The bra slides off my
body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the
clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue
all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts.
They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling
your
ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.
Sweetheart:What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my
blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard
tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in
and
out nibbling on you...umm... wait a
minute.
Sweetheart:What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through
the cabinets, looking for a cup.
Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
And
now I'm walking back to the
bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked
bodies
pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on
the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and
toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the
toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but
I
can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart:What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry
again. I'm walking back to the bedroom
now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you
know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your
neck.
Umm, I'm having a little trouble
here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it
another second! Slide in! Screw me
now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart:What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on
my
face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy.
I'm going to get my glasses and see
what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet
nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
I'm
feeling along the dresser, knocking
over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
our
candles fell on the curtain. The
curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: (logged off)
i'll take a stab:
A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men when along came a guy named Vinny from New York.
I'm not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker, the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Vinny wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
i was ROFLOL - maybe it's cuz i'm a new yorker?
"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedaboutit......"
"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99."
Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."
The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree' n dirty tree-dat's 99".
The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100."
Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert."
The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"
New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and takes a shit on each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd - which makes one hundred. Bada boom , bada bing. When do I freakin' start?"
To Funny. J.M.
The Seeker is wise in the way of women.
Is that first pic real. ouch.
The Seeker-
You don't happen to live near Indianapolis do you?
i'm 29 years old, but when i watch the old
Incredible hulk show reruns, when Bill Bixby hitchhikes
at the end of the episode, all alone, to that sad
music, I still cry
I never laughed so hard....pay attention to the subliminal messages...these guys are ridiculous.
http://www.usc.edu/student-affairs/deanshalls/wtf/yattapv.asf
-Jaspreet
that frickin freaked me out!
Ok people, this is something that is really neat but its not gross or riddled with profanity in any way. Depending on the person, you must stare at the door for 30 seconds to 1 minute. Make sure the only light in the room is comming from your monitor.