Helio Gracie's Diary revisited

Underground
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Thanks to stickgrappler's efforts to keep history alive, he has archived some posts from the famous Helio's Diary thread from years gone by. (CHECK OUT HIS SITE!!! http://stickgrappler.tripod.com)

Without further adieu (SP??), here are the infamous diary entries for all newer (and older) members to enjoy (Cut and pasted from Stickgrapplers site):

September 4, 1954

I am leaving for Japan tomorrow to fight that pussy Kimura. What a wuss. I can not believe that cretin thinks he can beat me. I could beat him with both hands tied behind my back. Had a good training session today. Wrestled a chicken before giving it to little Rickson with which to play. He killed the fucking chicken. I got so mad that I tied him to a chair, gutted the chicken, and put the chicken on his head. I left him there for an hour. God damn kids. Rorian cleaned out the stables again, damn does that boy complain--gonna have to kick his ass again. Little Royce almost drowned today, so to teach him a lesson I killed his pet snake. Helio

Helio gracie Novermber 1955,

I have now been fighting from my guard for three consecutive days, I think that I am starting to wear my opponent down. In an attempt to fake out my opponent I made pretend that I was asleep, apparently he was tired as well and so he fell asleep. I tried to get him off but was unable to so I tried to sufficate him with my gi and was then able to get the mount position when he rolled over. Unfortunatly he was awaken by his own snores and I had to go back to the guard.

July 27, 1965

Today I caught Rickson sticking his fingers in my wallet whilst he thought I was sleeping. I snuck up behind him and quietly asked him what he was doing whilst ocncealing my building rage. He lied and said he was cleaning it. So I decided to teach young Rickson a lesson that I hoped would stick with him for life. I took 100 mouse traps and put a 5 dollar bill in each and placed them all over the house. I then told Rickson if he could find all the money in the house he could keep them. For the rest of the day I sat back, relaxed and enjoyed the melodious pops and screams whilst feeling that I had done my part to rid Rickson of his money greed. Again I felt kind of rightious in my own sadistic way.

Now I only have to worry about rorion. That little douche bag keeps selling my silverware....

Brasilian Independence Day, 1965

Today I celebrate my favorite day of the year. Rickson thought it 2 b a stupid holiday, so I figured I would teach him. I fried up a llama thigh & beat him unconcious with it and then explained calmly that if he didnt understand now he would have to watch me sodomize a pig. He understood, and we all had llama and coffee with Hugo Duarte's picture on the can.

Oct 31, 1965

Today, the Gracie family was having it's annual Halloween party. All the children were lined up to play the traditional bob for an apple game. All the little Gracies, Royce, Rorion, Relson had a turn. After all the kids had their turns and the game was over, Rickson came along and stuck his hand in the bucket of water and pulled an apple out and began to eat it. I said, "Rickson, do you think it's fair that all your brothers and sisters had to bob for their apple and you get to come along and stick your hand in and grab one?" "No," he said,"but I figured the game was over so I'd just grab an apple." "Well, I don't think it's fair and I think we would all like to see you Bob for your apple. Go on, bob for your apple." Rickson, smiled nervously and tried to walk around me. So I grabbed his hair and pulled his head in and out of the water yelling, "Bob for your apple Rickson, Bob for your apple." Finally, he passed out from not being able to breathe, but when I pulled his unconscious body out of the water, he did have an apple in his mouth. How do you like them apples? Helio

Dec. 22, 1965

Little Rickson wants a cosmonaut suit for Christmas. I don't have any idea where to get such a contraption so I tried to convince him to ask for something else. 'Ricky, wouldn't you like a firetruck instead?' 'No!', he shouted. 'Ricky, how about a toy cowboy rifle?' 'No! No! No!', he replied. So I explained to him that in outer space if you run out of air in your cosmonaut suit you will die. He still would not budge, so I put a plastic trash bag over his head and fastened it at the neck to demonstrate. He quickly asphyxiated and turned a blue color. After I revived him he no longer wants to be an cosmonaut.

December 23rd

Today Ricksons principle called me saying that Rickson had been calling a jewish kid names at school. When Rickson got home i decided to teach him what its like to be a minority. I drugged him up over dinenr and afterwards took him to the yard where I circumcised him with a sharp rock just like Abraham did to his son thousands of years ago. I kinda felt holy and righteous after that. Then I proceeded to tease him about being a jewboy. That should teach him. he understood.

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Febuary 14th, 1966

Today, the boys suprised me with a large, homemade valentine card that they had all hand made. I saw it, and proceeded to open it. It looked very fragile, and little Rorion and Rolls both handed it to me with much care. Inside, were the signatures of all my boys, and Rolls, whom I look after. I sat back, thinking of the time it took their little hands to cut the construction paper, color the various pieces, and the difficulty of signing their names.

"How long did this take, boys?" I said. "Only a few hours," I heard little Rickson mutter. "A few hours? A FEW HOURS?!?!" Understandably, I went into a rage that most fathers can appreciate. "Why weren't those hours spent on Ju-jitsu?" I asked. "We wanted to do something special for you, daddy," said Rorion. I tore the valentine into many pieces and exclaimed, "The only child I love, is the one who wins the childrens tournement! Ju-jitsu, NOW!"

They began to grapple, on top of all the many pieces of the project that took them Hours to do. As the sweat began to form on their little bodies, the colored papers made the skin turn various shades of red, and pink. "Those colors represent meat! Where are brown and yellow? They represent nuts and banana's!"

As each child tapped out, I took them for their punishment. First, my youngest son, Robin, had his hand placed on the stove-top burner for a few seconds. He's only a year old, and I did not want to hurt him. Next, Royce went to sleep, by a mata leao from Relson. This was a great oppurtunity to roll him up in a large carpet and roll him down one of the many hills near our home. I hope the Rio street children don't take liberties with him as he wakes up. He will be disorientated enough.

Royler and Relson were next to leave the room. I forced each of them to give daddy a hydrocolonic. A punishment befitting a king. Neither of them will soon spend time on a silly valentine. Little Ricky was next. He told me he didn't tap out, he was just exhausted. this got me particularly upset, so I forced him to pleasure each horse in the stable manually. As I heard the collage of him crying and the horses whine, I knew he had learned a lesson.

Now, just Rorion and Rolls remained. Soon, Rolls had won. Rorion pleaded for his father's mercy. I giggled as I said, " Now son, you lost. You know I have to do this." I put Rorion in my gi and tied the long sleeves together in the back; next I allowed all of my daughters the beat him pepeatedly with large pieces of sugar cane. Before long, he couldn't even walk. Blood dripped from every orafice as the internal bleeding couldn't be stopped. "Look! Rolls isn't even my son, and he won the tournement. The rest of you should be ashamed."

I don't think they boys will ever make that mistake aagain. Boy; children do the wildest things.

May 2nd, 1966

I am Helio Gracie, and I am GOD! I kick asses every day! I will rule the world someday! We Gracies will dominate Zhooo Zhitzu someday! Anyway, I had to spank little Rickson today, because he armbarred a dog. The dog bit him, so he went berzerk and began to beat the living shit out of the dog. The dog lost, so I spanked Rickson for hurting a dumb animal. I told little Rickson, "save that for your opponents on the mat, stupid". Little Rickson is a mean little fucker, so he will be great someday. He met a little Japanese boy today, named Takada, they seem to get along fine. Rorian bitch-slapped little Royce today, so I hung Rorian up by his gi and all the my other sons used him as a pinata. I have the video, and I will show it to him someday. My training is going well, I only broke two arms today.

May 7, 1966

Little Rickson learned a valuable lesson today. I find the biggest, meanest kid in town and lock him in the chicken coop with Rickson. I tell Rickson he no come out until he beat the bigger kid. Rickson took a beating for 2 days but finally big kid fell sleep. Little Rickson crawled on him and choked him dead while he was sleeping. I let him out and make him write 'No Time Limits' in his own blood 500 times.

June 12 1976

Today Antonio Inoki fought Muhammad Ali in a vale tudo match. Inoki used a defensive approach where he laid on his back and scooted on his butt. It looked somewhat successful therefore I will start teaching it and say it is gracie jiu jitsu. If anyone wins with this technique then it is a win for the gracies. However, if anyone loses using this technique then they weren't using gracie jiu jitsu and if they would of used the real gjj technique they would have won. Either way, GJJ wins!!!! I tried explaining this to Rorian but he was not catching on so I sodomized a pig. Once again, he said he understood.

july17, 1966

gracie ski trip today we arrived in peru for the first annual gracie family ski trip (the only official gracie ski trip). suprisingly, the worst injury sustained today was not from skiing ...lil' rickson tried to flying armbar his snowman, and it's stick arm came off. rickson slid down the slope and hit his head on a rock. later in the afternoon, a bunch of condor's were circling around lil' rorion(i guess sensing the worst of the gracie ski clan). rolls saw them and commented that one day, he wanted to fly just like them. rorion threw one of the condors a half a pack of alka seltzer, and the condor crashed over the edge of the cliff. that was pretty weird! we ended the day by roasting marshmallows and seeing how fast lil' royler could dodge flaming marshmallows as we chunked them at him. fun day! looking forward to tomorrow!

Helio's checklist for Sunday August fourth, 1966:

  1. Wake up all children, by attacking them to toughen them up. 2. Get Rorian to do laundry. 3. Get Rorian to go shopping. 4. Get Rorian to plow fields. 5. Get Rorian to cut grass. 6. Ask Rorian why he wants to move to America. 7. Kill Carley's fucking horse. 8. Fight for three hours again. 9. Run children until they throw up. 10. Claim I invented Jui Jitsu to another newspaper. 11. Kill another Capoeira player--third one this week. 12. Toughen forehead for headbutts by headbutting a cow to death. 13. Hide dead cow from family--they are vegetarians. 14. Teach children to butt-flop to guard again. 15. Sue all other members of family for various reasons. 16. Claim to have invented the Internet. 17. Claim to have invented boxing, kicking, breathing, and running. 18. Destroy all evidence of dresses I like to wear. 19. After children finish running and puking, get Rorian to clean up puke. 20. Ask Rorian why he is in such a bad mood all the time. 21. Buy three hundrend pound gorilla so children can practice grappling with it. 22. Call all my children pussies for not fighting hard enough.
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August 8, 1966

Today, I take my revenge on Carley's horse. That damn horse ate all the vegetables out of my garden, forcing me to kill small woodland creatures, tear out their stomachs and feed my children with the vegetables the animals had nibbled on. I plan on challenging the horse to a no holds barred, no time limit fight. Helio Gracie.

August 9, 1966

Yesterday, I fought Carley's horse. Unfortunately, I only have on film 2 minutes of the 13 minute fight. Even though the horse eventually won, I did not tap out. The horse had to make me pass out. It is my conclusion, that had we been in the same weight class, I would have won the fight.

August 10, 1966

Last night, while that infernal beast of Carley's was sleeping, I crept into his corral with a large knife that I make Rorion cut down papayas with. I snuck up on the SOB and slashed open his stomach. I felt vindicated as I reclaimed the vegetables that he had stolen from me. Tomorrow I will notify the newspapers of my latest victory. Helio Gracie.

Nov 22 1966,

Ah, it's Thanksgiving time and the smell of springtime is in the air. All of the Gracies are visiting from far and near and a feeling of good cheer is in the air. Rickson asks me if we are having turkey this year. I answer, "My son, we do not eat meat, because it poisons your body and so this year we are having mashed potatoes, platanos and cranberry sauce." He then tells me that his American friends eat turkey every year and that they look very healthy. I fear that my son will soon become a meat eater so I go to our American friends house and I beat them all to death with a small club while they are sitting at the dining table. I then tell Rickson to go ahead and go try some Turkey at his friends house. Although he is young and curious I'm sure someday he will realize that meat is not good for you.

(continued...)

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Date unknown

Today while watching little Royce play with the Ishmail boy, I noticed he kept giving his back. I decided it was time to teach him an important lesson. I took him aside and sodimized a pig. Unlike his older brother Rickson little Royce didn't understand. I knew this would require Rorions help he was the expert when it came to screwing fellow gracies. After a few hours in the chicken coupe Royce hobled in and said he understood. Everything went as planned except Rorion tried to charge royce for fucking him in the ass.

From the diary of Milton Gracie: June 20, 1971. My father Helio, keeps me locked up in the attic. Everyday I looked outside the tiny window and see him outside with my brothers. They are practicing Karate. Every time Papa is not looking, Rorion hits Relson in the back of the head with a small stone, and he doesn't stop until Relson gives him money. Yesterday, Relson was practicing Karate. He does it different than my brothers. He always seems to like to hit his head on the wall and big rocks in the courtyard. Renzo, Royce and Ralph sneaked into my attic, and they call me ugly and make fun of my ears. I will escape one day, and find their benevolent Uncle Carlson. He will teach me this karate and I will get my revenge on Renzo, Royce and Ralph. I will exterminate them.

Friday July 16th 1972

Christ this house stinks!! I am really starting to question my decision to make the whole family vegetarian; I had no idea the amount of methane gas that could be produced by the human body! Yesterday I caught Rorian charging the rest of the kids $25.00 a piece to allow them to use the Gracie name when identifying themselves, he has had to find new ways to make money now that all our silverware is gone. I swear that little shit is going make a million bucks some day. I may have found another prospective breeder ahh I mean wife, I saw this hot little number while at Ricksons school today, I think I will drop by her house and offer to teach her the guard hehhe. Speaking of Rickson. I don't know what I am going to do with him; he has now increased his record to 157 victories in schoolyard fights. Sure I am proud of him and all but I am really getting tired of having to go get him every other damn day! Between picking him up, trying to keep Rorian from selling his sister, and trying to spray down the house wit lysol, I hardly have a chance to hump anymore. I never knew that raising 20 kids could be such a hassle. It was much easier when they were smaller, I could just rear naked the little shits to sleep and then go bang their mother for a while. Now Rorian has found out how to revive them and charges ME $35.00 to let them stay asleep! Needless to say I don't get near the bootie I used to. One of my kids, I forgot what his name is something that begins with an R; was caught wearing a dress this morning. Since we are actually Scottish I guess it's ok, but to make sure all my boys under stood how to be a man, I lined them all up and had them each sodomise..sodomize sodo ahh hell I made them screw a pig. They seemed to understand. And to tell the truth I think the pig is beggining to warm to the idea himself...filthy dirty animals! Helio

Feburary 14, 1973

Well, today is Valentines day and I found my son Royce in the bathroom playing with himself reading a local toughman magazine. I was very upset with him, especially after showing him how to properly sodomize a pig. I said to him "If you're going to be screwing something at least let it be a woman, and not your damn hand." He immediately responded with "But daddy..." however, I grabbed him by his manly hood and put him in an armbar (or should I say penisbar). I must say I'm very proud of him for not tapping out, however I think he might have enjoyed it too much. I must seriously talk to him about this. I could always sodomize a donkey!!

jan 23 1975

That runt Hugo Duarte has been spreading rumours around the community that i dress up in my wives clothes whilst my family are alseep and parade around town in them. So this morning I sent out RIckson, ROyce and Renzo and the rest of the Stormtroopers to teach Duarte a lesson. I tell them to surround him whilst one of the troopers is filming it and rickson is pinning him down and call him girly names and ask him who the real queen of grappling is....uhh, king, king.

All went as planned, well almost, unlike those Japanese pro wrestler Hugo fought back and Rickson actually was in danger and came back shaking saying "daddy he fought back, you promised he wouldnt". So after that I went round to the Luta Livre training hall with my gun and made them all strip down and put on dresses and parade around town.....that shoudla showed them!

Once again the gracie family reigns supreme...

June 12 1976

Today Antonio Inoki fought Muhammad Ali in a vale tudo match. Inoki used a defensive approach where he laid on his back and scooted on his butt. It looked somewhat successful therefore I will start teaching it and say it is gracie jiu jitsu. If anyone wins with this technique then it is a win for the gracies. However, if anyone loses using this technique then they weren't using gracie jiu jitsu and if they would of used the real gjj technique they would have won. Either way, GJJ wins!!!! I tried explaining this to Rorian but he was not catching on so I sodomized a pig. Once again, he said he understood.

October 10, 1977

Young Royce just came home and asked why his mommy is not the same mommy Rickson has and why Rorions's mommy is not the same mommy as his and Royler's....All of his american friends share the same mommy with their brothers. I tried to explain that once I was confused as to why my mommy was differn't then my brother Carlson's mommy....I had to educate him that like our grand Gracie Jiu Jitsu, we keep what works and throw out everything that doesn't...and with women, you keep them around while there body is working, but then when they push out one or two Gracie's and they begin to get chunky and used....then we have to throw them out too. He smiled and I gave him a broccoli spear to chew on.....Then I called up Victor Belfort's mom and boned the shit out of her.....then I trimmed my bitchin mustache....peace out.

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june,20 2000 I fear I have made a terrible mistake. I thought I saw a slobering charging warthog runing up the road. I ordered Royce to please let the family cat out of his guard and fetch my rifle. Royce quickly tap'd out Muffins and brought me my gun. I took aim and fired a shot at it. Damn I missed. I quicklt poured more powder down the barrel and jamed the ball down with my ram rod. Took aim and fired! I hit it in the gut. It let out an ungodly wail of anger and pain. It lay in the road flailing and kicking. Royce threw me over his shoulder and ran down to take a look at my prize trophy. When we arrived all we could do was stare in shock. What we thought was a ugly snarling wart hog was actually Wallid Ishmail out for a morning jog. We rushed him to a hospital only to have them refer us to our local vet.

june,20 2000 On the way to the vet I looked in my rear view mirror and saw Royce and Wallid in the back of the truck. I heared Royce shout at the bleeding and moaning Ishmail" You bastard now I get my revenge on you for cheating me in that sports Jiu Jitsu match." Royce grabed the wounded Wallid and pulled him down into his guard. Walliad coughed up some blood then promptly passed Royce's guard and choked him out. I shouted "If you kids do not knock it off I'll pull this truck over and we'll sit here until you learn to behave yourselves!" Well to make a long story short we got Walliad to the vet. He's making a great recovery and hopes to fight again soon. As a bonus the vet gave him a flea dip and trimed his nails. ROYCE!! ROYCE!! DAMN IT BOY LEAVE THOSE CATS ALONE!!

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lol...still classic.

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Man I thought I had alot of time on my hands but nice to read.Makes me want pork for some reason.

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LOL @ "I ordered Royce to please let the family cat out of his guard and fetch my rifle. Royce quickly tap'd out Muffins and brought me my gun. "

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Funniest stuff ever posted here.

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SILK is on meth. hahaha

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ttt

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lol

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Hilarious

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ttt

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is that REALLY helio's diary?

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Of course it is! how dare you question the authenticiticity of it? Helio won't be happy. He's off to sodomite a pig ;-)

I didn't write that stuff. It's archived on Stickgrappler's site. Apparently forum member LEmon is the one who wrote it.

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SILK you are great. I haven't read that in so long! Damn that is classic. I think we should pitch in and (after a quick spell check) publish this as a book with little, poorly drawn, captions.

You guys in?!?!

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lol

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Some of the funniest stuff I've ever read in my life.

I think it deserves illustrations.

Anybody care to try?

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old stuff guys but still funny