Horrible relationship w/ parent?

I know there are people out there who have situations that would make mine look like a water baloon fight. But I just cant believe how things can go from so good to so bad.

I value family as a very important thing, but things have gotten to the point where I'd rather avoid or ignore my mother rather than talk to her. Everything turns into an argument, and its no spin when I say it's 99% her.

She's also all but ruined my relationship with my father, which used to be phenominal. I understand that you have to support your mate, but when it plays you against your son, something has to give.

I dont even know what the point of this post really is, Im not usually big on voicing dirty laundry in a public format. I guess if anyone has overcome a similar situation I'd greatly appreciate advice.

How old are you? Do you have to live at home (because of your age) or do you live on your own?

Hope that doesn't sound weird, I'm just trying to get a feel for some possible scenarios.

SCRAP

19 and at home man. Don't HAVE to, but I'm pursuing mma and it would be extremely hard to be working enough to afford a place and be paying for mma gym and weightlifting gym all at same time right now. Had the classic all American upbringing, but as I got older I started to notice everything isn't as great as it seemed. Appreciate it.

With such kind of mother I left home when I was 21.

My older brother, who was brain-washed by her, realized only at his 40´s that she was the problem in his marriage, and didn´t speak to her for almost 3 years (he is kind of extremist, though).

Yet, my mother still doesn´t understand that she cannot rule our lifes, no matter how much she suffers from being apart from us.

There are mothers that think that "I´m your mother" is an excuse for everything, and never accept the fact that, despite the good intentions, they can fail, and should ask for excuses here and there.

What kind of things does she complain against you?

Can you talk to your father alone and explain to him what are your feelings?

Do you have sisters or brothers that you can trust and share your difficulties?

Is there any older relative that your mother would listen to and accept advices?

Can you find professional support from a psycologist? It would be very important for you to learn to draw the limits without letting guilt manipulate you.

"I'm pursuing mma and it would be extremely hard to be working enough to afford a place and be paying for mma gym and weightlifting gym all at same time right now."

Well, great fighters like Vanderlei Silva, and most Brazilian athletes, surely have gone thru this. This kind of situation is what helps to build the character. You have a choice to make, and in every choice there is a loss. Trust your inner strength.

I have the feeling that "American Beauty" seems to film to be seen.

It's funny you mention you mention Silva, I think I recall seeing in a promo that he lived at home up until he got married, I could be wrong about though.

Alot of people tell me that when women get to their 50s and their kids are almost all grown up that they feel like they aren't needed anymore. I can understand that.

But when the gross majority of problems in the house are cause by one person, you can't keep just excusing the behavior by blaming it on "hormones" Especially when it goes on for over a year.

Here's an example:

My family went away for a week. I had my friends over who I hadn't seen in a long ass time. I kept everything in line. One guy slept over after coming from rhode island.

My mom flipped out and claimed I should have made him find a motel cause "she doesn't want people in her house" So basically I was supposed to sit home alone for a week. What kind of crap is that?

I honestly think alot of it is attention-seeking behavior. Some people just love playing the victim role no matter what the circumstances.

I appreciate your response Donna. I have talked to my dad about it a few times. He's a great guy, but he just can't acknowledge whats what and always makes excuses for her. I have a younger brother and honestly it bothers me that he is exposed to all this.

I'm going through the same deal. I just don't play my moms games anymore. I got jumped after the bar a few weeks ago, and I got threatened to get thrown out of the house. Minimal damage to me, nothing permanent.

I feel for ya.

It's really hard when your dad (usually the voice of reason in the house) takes the moms side, just cause they're together.

I have been through similar stuff, but unfortunatly I don´t have any good advice to give because each situation is so different (except perhaps the obvious advice to have a good friend or maybe some other grown up you trust to speak with, about your feelings and thoughts). But thanks for sharing, I wish that everything works out fine for you Helwig.

 

It really is all a big game though. I'm convinced that some people would actually prefer arguing and chaos as opposed to what they see as boring everyday life.

Some families have real problems that warrant this kind of stuff. But to make nothing into constant problems just boggles my mind.

It was so bad today that my parents send me and my brother to relatives for Easter and didn't come themselves. They all know the deal too and keep telling me to come stay with them.

Thanks for sharing Jedi. Mine has her own set of strange behaviors. Basically she is obsessed with trying to pretend she is young again. This includes dressing and talking like an 19 year old, acting like a 13 year old and pretending she is an italian princess.

She had my dad buy her a corvette because she had one 30 years ago. It sits in the garage and she runs the engine every so often because "it will get stolen if I park it anywhere"

Possibly the worst part of her gimmick is the claim that "everyone is jealous of me" This includes every other woman on Earth and is used as a response to any criticism.

Equally as bad is how she tries to act the director of EVERYTHING. A plumber or lawn guy cannot come to the house without being given instructions and commentary on everything they do. This extends to things which she has no idea about.

The latest thing is the ongoing "victim" angle. She purposely drags on daily household chores that everyone does as long as possible...so she can complain about how much work she has. An example would be that she claims a 8' by 8' bathroom takes 2 hours to clean. She also will start doing chores right before dinner is served and then not eat with us routinely.

Being able to vent like this and hear other people's situations helps alot.

wow, some pretty moving stories here.

That is the time that I understand "honor your father and mother" as a time where you need to grow up and mature away from them and later return, stronger, to take care of them.

Jedi I don't go to college. I barely got through high school, and didn't feel right wasting my dad's money on something I wouldn't take seriously. I'm pursuing mma and work part time for now.

Fudo: I think every family has their problems and each member has their flaws. But this is like to the extreme in my situation and its the SAME THING EVERYDAY.

maybe then Eviljedis advice of taking a break is a good advice. Maybe you have some relatives or friends that you could live with for a shorter while, just to get some perspective on things?

I agree with Donna. Fudo, if things ever got to the point where I had to leave, I'd likely do that. But I'd prefer to try and do damage control and just be able to have my family function normally.

Ok good luck with everything, take care of yourself.

Helwig

Look for emotional support. She is acting in a way that is not normal, and there are people like you that have already gone thru this, and they can share their experience with you. They will not solve the problem for you, but will give you shelter.

You may have no clue on the type of damages you already have on your soul due to the long influence she had upon you.

Your situation is VERY similar to mine(I don't get along with both folks), only thing is I was 17 (only 19 now) I moved away(joined the Navy, left now just living away) and my relationship with my folks is incredible compared to what it was. I now ring my Mum up all the time and talk for ages.

Theres my advice, move away, BUT stay in contact.

P.S. I don't know if this contributed but my Mum is battling Bowel Cancer at the moment(I dedicated my last win to her) Maybe I am a tad worried about losing her, I dunno.

Listen Helwig

I love my mother very much, and I lived with my parents until I was 19. I fought with my mom ALL the time. My Dad was still the voice of reason, and so I can't really say what thats like. Anyway, as much as I love my mom, I can't live with her. I can't be with her for more than a few days without a serious arguement ensuing where she believes that she is being attacked by me, and then she gets angry and continues to barrage me with insults. Since i dont want to go through that, and I know my mother has a far too difficult time controling her emotions, as wonderful a woman as she is, there was no way that I could live with her for any longer.

I don't know what to tell you about what you should do in your situation, but I do know what thats like. Best of luck.

I was kicked out at 19. My mom, while not quite as crazy as some (sorry EvilJediJ) had / has problems with alcohol and anger. I remember well the day that I realized that she was beating me for her release and not my discipline. Bitter pill to swallow at age 11.

I never knew what she was going to be like when she got home from work. I was never afraid (thought it hurt when she beat me I never really feared the pain but instead desired her release from the rage so much and saw the pain as a way to peace for us both) it was more a hatred of not knowing whether she was going to flip and ruin the night for her, my step-father and me. It was the sorrow of it all that got to me.

My brother, 2 years older then I, is full of anger, pot and alcohol to this day. He jetted to live with my anti-father; the one who spawned us. But tellingly he returned, deciding that no matter how bad it got with mom it was better then living with dad, for the time leading up to her throwing us both out for good.

Romans 12:18 says "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." Sometimes that means going away. Sometimes the sooner the better as my brother (unknowingly) testifies to.

In any event you have my prayers.

-Tom Bombadil