Horrible relationship w/ parent?

*wipes tear away*

Time for group hug, guys.

How similar are our stories and we didn´t know that.

I don´t believe in coincidences, you know?

God bless us all.

Helwig, again, totally hear everything your saying. Here's how my mom acts. I'm sure you can find similarities between our circumstances.

My mom has 'her car'. I have never driven drunk, never gotten in any accidents or otherwise damaged the vehicle. If I try to borrow the car during the day, I'm told 'I have to use it for an errand'. This is a huge power game on her part. She denies me the car whenever possible, especially if she's mad.

On 'the car will get stolen'... part:

We live in a large house, my mom has lots of stuff. She has been buying things since she was 20, every few days and that adds up. If ANYTHING goes missing, she flips out. It's a huge trigger for her. I have had multiple 5:00am meetings on 'has all my crystal been stolen', 'did you take all my hats', 'where is my green sweater, someone must have stolen it'. Nothing has ever been stolen from our house.

My mom feels like she doesn't have control over my actions (which is normal... cause she doesn't), so she tries to control WHATEVER she can. Examples: try to get me to eat sugar, constant attempts at controlling my diet, despite repeated explanations on my part. I had to turn down advice several times on the weekend on: How to Fold Out a Cot.

Don't get me start on the victim angle. I just stopped feeding that beast. I said 'I am dealing with my own problems, I can't deal with yours too. You need to find someone else to talk about your problems too. I don't want to hear about them if they don't directly involve me.

This was of little help of course.

My mom will take 8 hours to clean the bathroom sometimes too. She has a sore knee, our drink fridge is placed under a table, where you have to crawl to get to it. The sugar is not stored in a small cup in an easily accessible place. It is bought 50 pounds at a time, kept in a tupperware container, also under the table.

I don't know about you, but I try to minimize my injuries instead of worsening them.

Try to minimize contact with her. I'd move out if I could. It's very possible that you won't be able to have a good relationship with her while you live at the house. It's a sad truth, but it might be true in your situation, it is in mine.

I realize that we all play the victim - to varying degrees. I think that it's better for people to be the victim as less as possible. It focuses your wants away from other people.

Example: instead of feeling like I need praise for things, and fishing for praise whenever possible I:

Try to take personal satisfaction in the things I've done. If I'm complimented, I enjoy it, but it isn't 'necessary'.

Example: I take a test. Instead of showing my marks to everybody, hoping for praise, I just keep it to myself. I don't need the acknowledgement, I knew how smart I was before taking the test.

Chemical, I totally agree about the personal satisfaction concept. I can't tell you how many times I've had to listen to 20 minute dinner stories that end with "So I told the bitch, it takes one to know one!"

The absolute smallest incident becomes the subject that is screamed through the house for the next 45 minutes. I'm talking about literally spilt milk will ruin everyone in the house's day because one person has horrible coping ability.

I think though that my situation is giving me a negative impression of women in general which I don't want to have.

I don't like the idea of drugs as a solution to anything, but does anyone have experience with presicption meds curbing unacceptable behavior?

Hello everyone and thanks for sharing so open-heartedly your private stories. I can promise you all that my view of each and everyone has changed forever after this thread. However, I also grew up with an alcoholic parent and I think some patterns seem to be similar no matter if a parent abuses alcohol,  your attention or whatever it might be. I read an excellent book that helped me to see many of those destructive patterns that were going on in my close relations (not only family). Maybe it can be of some help.



aswell as we sometimes need physical self-defense, we also need emotional selfdefense. But as everything, it needs to be learned first.



~I think though that my situation is giving me a negative impression of women in general which I don't want to have.

I'm watching out for this as well. It's hard to get control of the associations your brain is making in the background of your life. I think it's worth it if you can get control of your thoughts.

~I don't like the idea of drugs as a solution to anything, but does anyone have experience with presicption meds curbing unacceptable behavior?

In my experience, drugs do help. I have tried them and have had friends try them. Taking anything that boosts your serotonin levels should mellow a person out. You know what I'd try? Have her try taking 100mg of 5HTP a day. It's an herbal based product that makes a HUGE difference in my life. It costs less than 50 cents a day. And to anyone who doubts it's effectiveness, it's potent. If I take 200mg a day, no way can I get to sleep at a resonable hour.


Talking to a councellor could help a lot too. My mom is out for that because 'only crazy people go see those people'. If you went to a professional, they'd probably suggest taking a 12.5 mg dose of Paxil CR to start.


For best results, you mom is going to have to want to change. That is difficult for people who see their behavior as normal.

Again, I feel for you.

Thanks man.

In regards to getting a negative impression of women in general:

I'll see my dad just have to deal with SO much crap that isn't his fault and be constantly baggered and harrassed. He's a German and a pillar of strength for everyone so he can take it, but I know I couldn't deal with that stuff day in and day out. Imagine you trying to just relax in your own house after a day of work and being screamed at non stop for an hour. No matter what you say the other person isn't going to change their mind or stop. It's like a bad recording that is just looped over and over.

My dad is strong too, but over the years he's been (at least partially) corrupted by my mom. I lost my faith in him a bit when my mom said 'Your father and I have decided that you might have to go live elsewhere if you don't change your behavior.'

The amount of shit I put my family through is so much less than what my mom puts us through on a daily basis. He didn't have a lot to say to me when I questioned him about it obviously.

It's not that I can't deal with her; I just won't. It doesn't make any sense for me to put myself through her negative way of seeing things. I've asked her - why should I have a relationship with you, given how you've been acting for the last 7-8 years? I also stopped having conversations that we've discussed in the past. I say 'ok mom, we've already been through this argument, here's what you think, here's what I think. Let's talk about something else instead.'

My problem is that 'minimizing contact' with my mom is seen as a deliberate negative gesture on my part.

I´m quite out of money, but I am going to buy that book and make copies for my brothers and a few friends (who can read English).

Another piece of advice: if it's over something in a control game, don't give her an inch. My mom asks me to put potatoes on my plate, I say no. After that point, there are no potatoes going on my plate. When she knows she can't get to you, then you can start eating potatoes again.

Control really seems to be a central theme in these stories. Seems like a hobby could really help focus some of this intense desire.

My mom had a cat that they had to have put to sleep after 18 years. She went BERSERK. I realize that I don't know the first thing about women, but you cant just let all your emotions get the best of you day in and day out in my opinion.

Chemical: I know exactly what you mean about not giving an inch. I never can answer a single question without 6 more follow up ones.

Sorry to hear that too mask. Remember, the women you've met act like this, there are lots more out there.

Anyone else get this one:

Compulsively eavesdropping on your phone calls and then offering their opinion on the subject you discussed.

Yes. My mom also spends hours creating fantasies about who I may be talking to.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. She has done so much for me and I am very thankful for everything. Lately, it's been getting better, hope that holds out.

Me too man.