I'll buy someone a blue name

For the person that's joke i deem the funniest..

A man meets a woman at the bar, and they begin to flirt and have a few drinks. After talking for awhile the woman tells the man that she is into really kinky sex. The man says that is good, he is also into very kinky sex. After a few more drinks she asks him if he would like to go home with her.

They get back to her place, and the man is fucking her missionary style, and its very good and enjoyable and the woman gets off, and he finishes.

The woman gets up to go to the bathroom, and comes back to bed, and they are both lying there. She turns over to him and says that was great, but I thought you said you were into really kinky sex?

The man looks at her and says well, when you got up and left the room, I shit in your purse.

President Bush and Obama walk into a barber shop. They both sit down for a haircut, but both stay quiet. The barbers give them both haircuts, but stay quiet as well. The room seems tense.

Obama's barber finishes first, and asks him "Would you like aftershave today, Mr. President?" and Obama replied "No thank you, don't want my wife to think I smell like the inside of a whore house"

Right after, Bush's barber finishes up and asks "How about you President Bush, no aftershave as well?" But Bush replies "No I'll take aftershave. My wife doesn't know what a whore house smells like" Phone Post 3.0

Two blondes walk into a bar..... Phone Post

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses....


Because her students were so bright. Phone Post 3.0

The other day, I watched an old man in the park feeding the birds.

I thought to myself, "how long has he been dead?" Phone Post 3.0

Lawyer receives a call at work. He picks up and says "hello, Steve Smith's office", the woman on the other line sobbing, says
"Hi, Steve, do you remember me?"

The lawyer replies "No I don't seem to recall."

"Oh, of course you don't" the woman snaps "my name is Kelly, we met at a party about 4 months ago. You told me I was the coolest girl you'd ever met, and we had sex in your car"

"Yeah yeah, how could I forget, Kelly. What's the problem then, Kelly?" the lawyer asked.

"Well... I'm pregnant... And I'm gonna kill myself" said the woman.

The lawyer paused for a moment before replying "...Wow Kelly, you really are the coolest girl I've ever met". Phone Post

A Frenchman stumbling home from the Pub kicks something on the side of the street. It clanks down the side of the road, so he picks it up and dusts it off. Poof, a genie pops out, it was a magic lamp. Genie says "I will grant you 1 wish, don't ask for 3, only one wish." The Frenchman says "only one wish? Well the one thing I love more than anything is wine, but if wish for wine, I will drink it all. So, I wish everytime I pee, I piss the finest wine!" Genie snaps his finger and disappears.

He stumbles home, and his wife greets him. He tells his wife "My wife, go get me a wine glass" she looks at him funny and get the glass. He unzips and pisses into the wineglass. She gasps in shock at the red fluid. He drinks it. She freaks out. He says "My wife, try it! It is the finest wine!" She resists until she smells it. Then she reluctantly tastes it. Delicious! They party all night. Next day he come home ask for 2 wine glasses. Party all night. Next night the same.
Next night he come home and says "my wife, bring me 1 glass!" She replies "my love, why only 1 glass?" He grins and replies "Tonight my love, you drink straight from the bottle!" Phone Post 3.0

I got a pizza joke but its to cheesy Phone Post 3.0

Why can't women drive? Cause there is no roads in the kitchen.

Ill be here all week! Phone Post 3.0

Two guys are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” 

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.” Phone Post

A man and his large wife are at a local 4H event and they are looking at the prize bulls. There are smells signs next to each bull saying how many times they bred that year. The fat wife reads one of the signs "Bred 100 times this year. See that, he bred 100 times! Must be a real man" the man just shrugged off. She see another bull and reads the sign "Bred 200 times this year. 200 times. Bet it's not hard to get going for him!" The man just says "What ever". So they see the first place bull and she reads the sign spitefully "Bred 365 times this year. That means he has sex once a day! Bet you couldn't do that." The man just looks at her and says "I doubt that bull had sex 365 times with the same COW!" Phone Post 3.0

I was chatting up a fit girl in a bar last night when a bloke came out the toilets and said "Oi mate, I'm her man".

I said "Cool, nice to meet you Herman. What do you think of this bird I'm gonna fuck tonight?" Phone Post 3.0

My mate said, "How's things going with your new girlfriend?"

I said, "Really good, we're getting on great. Her 3 year-old son is a little monkey though."

He said, "Is he mischievous?"

I said, "No, black." Phone Post 3.0

My mate said, "How's things going with your new girlfriend?"

I said, "Really good, we're getting on great. Her 3 year-old son is a little monkey though."

He said, "Is he mischievous?"

I said, "No, black." Phone Post 3.0

A sailor and a pirate are sitting at a bar. After a little drinking, the sailor noticed the pirate's peg leg, his hook hand, and his patch eye. The sailor asked:

How did you get the peg leg?

I fell overboard and a shark bit it off.

How did you get the hook hand?

I got in a pirate battle and it was cut off.

So how did you get patch eye?

Bird shat in my eye.

A bird shit in your eye?

Yeah a bird shat in my eye

How did bird shit make you loose your eye?

First day with the hook! Phone Post 3.0

Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic! Phone Post 3.0

I managed to give my wife multiple orgasms last night.

Two on her tits and one in the gob. Phone Post 3.0

I was in the cinema last night when a stunning girl came over, leaned seductively on the empty seat next to me and said, "Is this taken?"

"No," I replied, "A Good Day To Die Hard." Phone Post 3.0

I was in the bank earlier when a man ran in and shouted, "Everybody put your hands in the mother-fucking air."
"Excuse me, sir, but this is a bank, not a fucking party," I replied. Phone Post 3.0