Job interview scenario

You need a job bad and have an interview lined up. You have to pick one of the two scenarios.

1) You are extremely drunk. You won't puke or black out, but you are as close as possible to both of those.

2) You have to take a huge shit really really really bad. Stomach cramps are present. You won't poop your pants (assuming you don't allow yourself to) but you will probably shart a few times. It's bad enough that you likely can't sit still. Phone Post 3.0

You can't leave the interview until it is over. Phone Post 3.0

Drunk.  I handle myself very well when drunk and a lot of time, others can't even tell....and that's based on reviews from sober people haha not simply my own drunken opinion.  

Take issue #2. It is easy to explain the cramps away as a medical issue which then makes it illegal for them not to consider you for the position resulting from it. Being drunk in an interview immediately removes you from the list of possible hires in my opinion. It shows lack of discipline, professionalism, as well as weakness of character. Phone Post 3.0

I'd pick both so I don't find myself focussing too much on the one problem.