Joke thread

Laid up in hospital, so thought I'd post some jokes and hopefully see some of your best.

I'll start

A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office.

No name was given but he was a high wanking officer Phone Post 3.0

A mother, cleaning her son's room, finds an S&M magazine under the bed. 
Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband. 
"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"
"I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him. Phone Post 3.0

Your mama got one big titty and one small titty. 

And they call her biggy smalls

BruteDion - 

Your mama got one big titty and one small titty. 

And they call her biggy smalls

Baby Babe-eyy!

A walks into the doctors office with his 7 year old daughter and says "doc, I've got to get my little girl on some birth control"

The doctor is shocked and says My god! Your 7 year old daughter is sexually active!?

The man looks at the doctor and says no not really, she just lays there like her mama. Phone Post 3.0

Ive been given one of those tablets that helps you get an erection.

You go on the internet and watch porn films on it. Phone Post 3.0

I phoned 999 in a panic. "I've snapped my penis wanking!" I screamed in agony.

"We'll have an ambulance there in three minutes," the call handler replied.

"Make it ten," I said. "I'll grit my teeth and try to finish." Phone Post 3.0

Last night I was chatting with the barman about our respective wives.

I said, "My wife's amazing, she never stops me having sex."

He said, "Is she a nymphomaniac?"

I said, "No, severely disabled." Phone Post 3.0

One day an elephant stepped on a thorn. A mouse walked by and saw the elephant in pain.

The mouse said, "I can help you with your problem under one condition. I get to fuck you in the ass."

The elephant readily agreed so the mouse removed the thorn and then scurried up the elephant's backside. Just as the mouse assumed the position, the elephant set his foot back down, right on top of the thorn.

Pained, the elephant moaned in agony. To which the mouse replied, "TAKE IT BITCH!!" Phone Post 3.0

How was copper wire invented?
Two Jews fighting over a penny. Phone Post 3.0

I once met a girl.

She screamed no, I did it anyway. Phone Post 3.0

Fuck, this isn't the confessions thread.. Phone Post 3.0

Lol Phone Post 3.0

Some good ones in here I've never heard before, good thread Phone Post 3.0

Two Georgia State Troopers are on duty watching for speeding truckers on the interstate. These 2 troopers hate truckers. They become bored and pull in behind a truck. The driver is hauling a load of bowling balls. He gets nervous with the cops behind him and pulls off onto a side street to see if the troopers will follow. On the side street, a little nigger kid standing in the street with a bicycle stops the truck to ask for a ride. The driver says OK, but you have to get in the trailer in back. The little nigger and his bike are now in the trailer. The driver says to himself, Well those troopers have gone by now, I'll get back on the highway. After a few minutes on the highway the troopers pull in behind the truck and stops him. The troopers give the driver a real hard time, they check his license, log book, etc. The troopers start to get back in their car when one says to the other, "We didn't check out the trailer, maybe we should." The one trooper says to the other, "OK, I'll take care of it." He goes back to the driver and tells him he wants the trailer doors opened. The driver thinks to himself, Now I'm really in trouble, they're going to think I kidnapped that little nigger kid.

The trooper opens the trailer door to look in and slams it shut quickly! The trooper is all pale and shaken and starts screaming to the trucker, "Go NOW!, Get out of my city! Get out of my county! Get out of my state! GO NOW!" When the trooper returns to his car the other trooper asks, " whast wrong? You look pale and your shaking, why didn't we harras that trucker some more?" The shaken trooper said," That truck was carrying a load of nigger eggs, one done hatched and stole a bicycle!!!!!!" Phone Post 3.0

My wife called me while I was at work.

"Honey, I'm getting contractions," she grunted. "I need you to drive to the hospital."

When I got there I called her back and said, "What do you want me to do now?" Phone Post 3.0

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise. Phone Post 3.0

Good shit Phone Post 3.0

Woman's rights. Phone Post 3.0

I texted my wife a picture of my flaccid penis.

I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her. Phone Post 3.0