Know any good (clean) jokes?

This place could use the levity...

I'll start:

Why do ducks have flat feet? To stamp out forest fires, silly.

Why do Elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks, of course.

This, BTW, is my all-time favorite joke. I sincerely know not why but it's true nonetheless.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing, it's not comming anyway. (A little in bad tast I know but this one still makes me laugh!)

Why do elephants paint their feet yellow? To hide upside down in bowls of custard, silly.

What! You've never seen an elephant upside down in a bowel of custard? It must work then, huh? ;oP

whats with you and elephants? btw, happy new year.

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bar tender looks at the horse and says, "Hey, why the long face?"

Key word was clean guys!

Mike dies and awakes in Hell. The thing is, he is surprised by the sight of a festive "Welcome to Hell!" banner and the sounds of celebration.

Another man approached Mike and says "Hi! I'm your tour guide to Hell. Welcome Mike!"

Mike is like "this isn't at all what I expected..."

Tour guide says "Yeah, there are many misconceptions about Hell. Tell me Mike, do you like to drink?" Mike says "I love drinking!"

"Well you're gonna love Mondays in Hell Mike! Every Monday is open bar day. Drink all you want, totally free, never get sick and never have hangovers!"

Mike says "that's awesome!" Tour guide says "well, I assume you like to eat too?" Mike says "Of course. I love to eat"

"Well... you're gonna love Tuesdays too Mike. Every Tues. is buffett day here in Hell. Eat all you want, and never get full."

Mike is really amazed by now. He asks "Hey, what about Wednesdays???" Tour guide says "Are you a homosexual Mike?"

Mike says "No, no I'm not gay" Tour guide says "well then you're gonna hate Wednesdays buddy!"

This Sikh guy* takes his seat for a long flight to India, and he realises that he's sitting next to Gary Kasparov. Kasparov asks him if he wants to pass the time by playing a game of chess. The Sikh refuses, and tells Kasparov that it simply wouldn't be a fair match, since Kasparov would naturally destroy him.

The flight continues, and the Sikh gets more and more bored. Kasparov repeats his offer, and challenges him to a game of chess. The Sikh once again refuses, pointing out that he would have no chance against Kasparov. However, Kasparov offers to play using his left hand. The Sikh agrees, figuring that this handicap should make things fair. They start a match. Kasparov beats him in three moves.

When the flight lands, the defeated Sikh gets off the plane and meets a friend, also a Sikh. He tells him what happened on the flight, and how he was easily beaten even though Kasparov used his left hand. His friend replies, "You moron! Don't you know that Gary Kasparov is left-handed?"


* The joke was relayed to me by a Pakistani. In Pakistan both Muslims and Hindus tell Sikh jokes like we'd tell Irish ones.

well mr funny man, lets see what you got.

Police are running a sobriety checkpoint. Guy pulls up with an axe, a sword, and a chainsaw in his backseat.

The cops become suspicious of course and ask him why he has these things in his car. He replies that he is a juggler.

They are not convinced and continue to question him about it. So he says he'll show them. He gets out, starts up the chainsaw and juggles all three objects for a minute or so.

Convinced he is telling the truth they allow him to replace the items in his car and leave.

Next car pulls up and the driver is acting very nervous. Suspicious once again they ask him what the problem is?

He says, "Well, I guess you might as well go ahead and take me to jail because there ain't no way I'm passing THAT sobriety test.

IBI does that joke have something particular to do with sikhs?No. Like most (or at least many) blonde/black/Irish/lawyer/Scouser etc. jokes, Sikh jokes are generally just about pointing out how stupid Sikhs are (from the point of view of other Indians/Pakistanis).

sikh takes the place of the polack in western jokes then?Yeah, pretty much.

Most jokes are the same, just change the one that is being ridiculed.

Two oranges are in the shower, one looks at the other and says, "What do you think I am, a typewriter?!"

I don't know, my cousin told me that when she was about six.

unfortunatly the funny jokes I know aren´t clean. :-)

I used to keep a file on my old computer of them. Got wiped :(

Some of my favourites though:-

Two sausages in a pan, one turns to the other and says "it sure is hot in here eh buddy?" , the other one says "argh! a talking sausage".

A man walks into a butchers and says (to the butcher) "I bet you £50 you can't reach the meat on the high hooks up there. Butcher pauses, then says "nah, the steaks/stakes are too high" (obviously a phonetic joke)

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who know binary notation and those who don't.


In the Garden of Eden, Adam is taking a bath in a pond when an elephant comes by for a bath also. Adam and the elephant hit it off and are having a pretty good conversation, when the elephant says "Hey Adam, there's something I've been dying to ask you"

Adam says "Go ahead buddy. Ask me anything"

The elephant says "Well, I've been wondering... how do you breathe through that little thing?"