Most ridiculous lines from "50 Shades of Grey" LOL

"His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something."
Or something. We get what you're going for, EL James.

"And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain - probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells - comes the thought: He's here to see you."
The core of our frontal lobe, which is the area of the brain that controls logical reasoning, is telling us that this sentence is needlessly convoluted.

"I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto."
Definitely the first comparison that springs to our mind when we think 'red'.

"His lips part, like he's taking a sharp intake of breath, and he blinks. For a fraction of a second, he looks lost somehow, and the Earth shifts slightly on its axis, the tectonic plates sliding into a new position."
Not that these characters are self-centred.

"He smiles, then strides with renewed purpose out of the store, slinging the plastic bag over his shoulder, leaving me a quivering mass of raging female hormones."
Technically one of the main hormones associated with sex drive is testosterone, which is a male hormone. That bit of biochemical know-how is brought to you straight from our medulla oblongata.

"I can almost hear his sphinx-like smile through the phone."
Ah, yes. Those infamously smiley sphinxes.

"Holy crap! He's wearing a white shirt, open at the collar, and tray flannel pants that hang from his hips."
Holy crap! This is a running theme, by the way - Christian Grey doesn't just wear clothes. Clothes hang from him.

"His tone is so... so directorial, his usual control freak. I imagine him as an old-time movie director wearing jodhpurs, holding an old-fashioned megaphone and a riding crop. The image makes me laugh out loud."
We're... not sure what to do with this one.

"The orange juice tastes divine. It's thirst-quenching and refreshing."
Fifty Shades of Tropicana!

"Oh my… sweat and body wash and Christian. It's a heady cocktail - so much better than a margarita, and now I can speak from experience."
Grim.

"I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his."
Yeah, this happens a lot. Ana has a really loud and obnoxious subconscious that's always doing dance moves in her head. We're not clear on whether she's actually supposed to be mentally unwell.

"My very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba."
She also has a really loud and obnoxious inner goddess who's always doing dance moves. It's basically an embodiment of her sex drive and/or her vagina, we think. Again, we're unclear.

"I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn-on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."
There she goes again.

"I eye Christian's toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth. Hmm…"
Hmmm... toothbrush porn...

"What's wrong? What did that creepy good-looking bastard do?"
Never say these characters don't have a way with words.

"My stomach somersaults - he wants me…in a weird way, true, but this beautiful, strange, kinky man wants me."
Because they do.

"He steps out of his Converse shoes and reaches down and takes his socks off individually. Christian Grey's feet … wow… what is it about naked feet?"
This. Is. Hot.

"Now I know what all the fuss is about. Two orgasms… coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow."
Exactly like the spin cycle on a washing machine. Exactly like that.

"Amy Studt is singing in my ear about misfits. This song used to mean so much to me; that's because I'm a misfit. I have never fitted in anywhere."
It's good that she clarified this, because initially the significance of the song was unclear.

"Look at me," he breathes, and I stare up into his smouldering grey gaze. It is his Dom gaze - cold, hard and sexy as hell, seven shades of sin in one enticing look."
When in doubt, add more adjectives.

"Hmmm… he's soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty."
Om nom nom?

"Holy crap… just-f**ked pigtails do not suit me, either."
They are undoubtedly a tough look to pull off.

"I'm all deer/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake … and he knows exactly what he's doing to me."
This is one of many passages that reads like James forgot to go back and edit out her first draft notes. It's also mixing metaphors to an extent that's almost impressive, since "a moth to a flame" has literally nothing to do with "a deer in headlights". We're not even sure what the bird/snake part is about.
 
 
 

Let me be the first to say fuck reading all that Phone Post 3.0

No way this is real? Bahahahahahahah vu Phone Post 3.0

Isaac298 - Let me be the first to say fuck reading all that Phone Post 3.0
2nd Phone Post 3.0

Isaac298 - Let me be the first to say fuck reading all that Phone Post 3.0

Well, you're on mobile so the bold print doesn't show up. Only the quoted parts are from the book and the rest is just snarky comments from the person who wrote the article.

HAWKZILLA - No way this is real? Bahahahahahahah vu Phone Post 3.0

I assure you those are legit. LOL

They should have let Blood ninja write it. Shit, we should do a thread for that lol

No wonder I've always destroyed women with sexting. I'm waaaaay better than that guy. I just didn't realize how much better. Phone Post 3.0

BTW, for more ridiculousness fast forward to the 3:00 mark of this vid where they start reading actual lines from the movie. It's fucking hysterical.


Lyle 'Chip' Chipperson wrote the first one.

The whole book is like that.  It's cringe worthy from start to finish.  I don't understand how anyone made it all the way through, let alone pressed on to the other 2 books.  Reads like an high school sophmore writing lame erotic fiction. 

BBC_Fighting -


The whole book is like that.  It's cringe worthy from start to finish.  I don't understand how anyone made it all the way through, let alone pressed on to the other 2 books.  Reads like an high school sophmore writing lame erotic fiction. 

Shit has been on my kindle for months as I want to read it for the LOLfactor.

However, every time I finish another book and go to start this I can't bring myself to do it.

Perhaps I will take one for the team, read it and do an OG AMA LOL. Phone Post 3.0

Figured it was some hackneyed garbage, but Jesus, this is fucking dreadful.

What garbage writing. Phone Post 3.0

Poop Doodle - Lyle 'Chip' Chipperson wrote the first one.


Tss tss tss no wait, his voise wuz all like a...like a...big fawking joosy peckah tss tss 



FAWK YEAH

omgjoshjames - What garbage writing. Phone Post 3.0

He said, sexually

invalid -
omgjoshjames - What garbage writing. Phone Post 3.0

He said, sexually
Lmfao!


VTFU. Phone Post 3.0

lol

LOL

I read some of OP's post to my wife (I know, a cardinal sin - besides no pics). she read the book, but isn't crazy about seeing the movie. these are a few of her responses:

"those guys are just jealous that they don't have the same effect on women"

I LOL'd

then I mentioned "I can almost hear his sphinx-like smile through the phone." Ah, yes. Those infamously smiley sphinxes.

she countered with "but if a sphinx could smile..."

couldn't hear the rest, laughing to loud. then

"(something, something) women are emotional, guys don't understand" (more laughing)

I love that girl...she's a kook, but I love her

Thank god I never bought into the hype and read those.