My experience as a neighborhood Child Molester

** swear on my life this is not a true story.

** Sorry for the FRAT

Years ago a new family moved in on the other side of my block. I learned about their young son when they first moved into the house (He was 5 at the time, and he lived there until he left for college.)

The neighborhood kids called him “Rumblefish”, but I knew his name was David. The stories were pretty typical for what kids would say about me:
I drove an old, drab brown beater van with blacked out windows, and I drove around naked a lot, soliciting kids. I had been busted over the years chasing kids naked, and the RUMOR was that I’d actually done time for molestation in the past.

These stories were confirmed by parents, and even some local cops.

So, obviously, I was the target of eggings, Toilet papering, rocks through windows, etc. They fucked with me all the time.
And as it turns out, the rumors proved to be true.
I would go out into my yard naked, propositioning kids, saying really weird inappropriate things, etc.

I really don’t know HOW I wasn’t locked up permanently!!!

And I was weird looking. Picture a grizzled, disheveled old version of Andy Worhol.

Now- the URBAN LEGEND was that I was rich, and all the $$$ was behind the stones of my fireplace (this comes into play later). I'm sure this story was told time and again over the years.

One of the popular neighborhood kids, Chris, lived right across the street from me.
I would often walk around my yard naked, as I’ve said. Well I also let my grass grow like 3 feet tall.
So one time the neighborhood kids put a bunch of mouse traps in my yard, and sure enough, those fuckers broke a few of my toes!!
Fast forward to a few years later.
5 of the neighborhood buddies thought they were pretty tough, cocky, etc. Typical kids that age. They thought they could kick anybody’s ass, etc.

So-they were on Xmas break from H.S., off for 2 weeks. They were at Chris’ house playing football in the street. So I go outside BUTT FUCKING NAKED. I said, and I quote: “Why don’t you boys come inside and play with some REAL balls!” while I grabs my nuts.
So I go back inside after laying the groundwork for diddling one of these fuckers.
David, being the fucking BRANIAC of the group…convinces the other guys to go inside my house. He's like “Guys- lets go inside, as a group. Maybe we can find out if he really DOES have a shitload of $$. Besides, what’s he gonna do? Theres like 6 of us, we can kick his ass!!”
After a lot of discussing, they all agreed to it. This was probably the dumbest idea ever. (it didn’t dawn on them that if I pulled a gun, they were gonna get fucked.

So they come inside, and I invite them to sit down, FIVE of them squeeze onto the couch, and my prize, Dave is forced to sit on a Lazy Boy by himself.

So I say “you boys wanna see “The Big Show?”

They were like WTF??? But someone(David) says “umm, yea, sure, whatever dude. Meanwhile, they were scoping the place out looking for signs of money, jewelry, loot, anything. But I knew there wasn't anything valuable.

So I walk into the back bedroom and leave them out there.

Suddenly, they hear me moaning, grunting, etc. It sounded like someone wrestling a fucking BOAR.

This shit goes on for a few minutes.

Finally, a couple of them get up to peek down the hall and see WTF is going on.

Well, at the end of the hall is a bedroom.
I'm in there, with my foot up ON TOP of the dresser, jacking my dick!

Holy shit!! That little fucker David is watching and hard as steel!
They run back to the living room to tell the other guys. Dave isn’t sitting on the Lazy Boy. Hes looking through drawers, cabinets, etc. He winds up finding a pair of binoculars and a ladies necklace, and he shoves them in his cargo pockets.
Suddenly, they hear me coming down the hall, so they all sit back down, scared shitless.

I go into the kitchen and get a coffee cup. I pour like half a cup of sugar into it. Then(and I swear to GOD I’m not making ANY of this up) I shoot the biggest, creamiest LOAD INTO the cup!!!

I walk over to Dave and say “Hey, little buddy, how about a “Cup O’ Cum.”

They were literally frozen for like 10 seconds. This little freak grabs the cup and chugs it like he's been in the desert with no water.

They freak the fuck out and pretty much run out the fucking door all at the same time.
They go back to Chris’ house and they all start punching David for coming up with such a stupid fucking idea and being a little faggot!

So, a few days later, they were playing ball in the street again, and I jump into my van and leave.

They decided to break in. They got a sledgehammer from my garage, and knock all the round stones loose from my fireplace, looking for money. Of course, they didn’t find anything.
Dave is all pissed off, so he goes room to room and puts loads in all my dirty underwear.

They also slashed the tires on my boat trailer and busted a few lamps and stuff.
It was a really weird experience. I have no idea why the fuck they were stupid enough to do that shit.

The rest of the group always avoided me, but that sexy little fucker Rumblefish has been some steady trim ever since.

okie doke Mt Krueger

ShanTheMan - okie doke Mt Krueger


Mr not Mt godfuckingdamnit

What the fuck did I just read? Lol Phone Post 3.0

8/10 Phone Post 3.0

Exactly what are you trying to conjure here? Phone Post 3.0

You realize the name of you thread says "as a neighborhood child molester"? May wanna edit that. Phone Post 3.0

Lol, i just saw what u did there... Phone Post 3.0


A lot of effort for a spin. 6/10 Phone Post 3.0

I bet this seemed like a better idea before you started editing.