I took a call from an old college buddy yesterday. He presented me with a real dilemma. Forgive the FRAT. Scroll to my second post for Cliff's.
We are both now in our mid 40's. He is a smart, well-educated, good looking, but jaded and cynical guy. He was married and divorced once in his early 30s. They ran with a fast LA crowd and had both become cocaine addicts. He got divorced and dried himself out living an ascetic life in a rural area for a couple years.
About 10 years ago, he was back on top of his game. He had married a very smart and pretty woman whose father was a very connected, multi-millionaire business owner. He was in good shape, well employed and they had three good looking kids who are now all roughly between the ages of 5-10.
I live out of town and so I am not privy to all the dynamics of his married life. We have gotten together every couple years either where I live now or in my home town and we have generally stayed in touch.
So, back to today. He called me to tell me he would be in my town Monday and to see if I wanted to grab a drink. I said, sure. Will your wife be with you? He says, "About that ..."
He tells me they have been separated for 5 months and are getting divorced. I tell him, wow, I am sorry to hear that. He says, "Don't be sorry. She's a c>nt."
He then tells me that his plan is to sell his house, take his savings, and drop out, moving to the Caribbean to "surf, smoke ganja, and screw randos." I say that this sounds like an idyllic life, but ask how he will be able to see his kids with this set-up?
"Simple," he replies. "I won't." What?
"Look, I love my kids and all, but the truth is I wouldn't have had any except I did it to make her happy. You can't move forward if you have one foot in the door and one foot out the door. So, I just need to wipe the slate clean and move on."
He won't be a deadbeat, though, he tells me. He will leave a local bank account that he'll just drop a couple grand in every month.
As we conclude the call, he says, "Everybody needs to have a friend like me, right? A screw up that keeps things interesting." I'm just thinking, actually, I don't choose to have friends who would abandon their kids.
I can't fathom making a decision that you know with 100% certainty will f@ck up your kids, leaving them with a void they will be searching to fill for their whole lives. I feel like I can't sit idly by and get together with him on Monday and shoot the breeze without trying to convince this guy to man the f@ck up. Of course, this conversation could very easily go sideways.
So, I call on the collective life wisdom of the OG to guide me in how to handle this. I will answer whatever additional questions I can.
FRAT Cliff's: Old college buddy, now mid-40's is in the middle of a divorce and planning to move to the islands and close the book on his kids. Seems very serious in this regard. How do I talk him out of it, or at least satisfy what I feel is a responsibility to try?
This is a natural occurrence in the animal world. Humans are some of the only creatures to maintain contact with their offspring after the offspring have reached maturity.
^^^ These kids are all under age 10!
Don't worry about the og's advice. You have to do what you are comfortable with and can live with. 
Mihow, You don't feel like a father choosing to never see his kids again for the rest of their lives will have a profound effect on their development?
maybe mind your own business?
Your friend sounds like a selfish piece of shit.
Regardless of his reason for reproducing, he chose to do so. When you have kids, they become your first priority regardless of whether or not your marriage pans out.
Fuck that guy. 
Don't, he'll regret in his old age and his kids will forever despise him.
Rex Manning - This is a natural occurrence in the animal world. Humans are some of the only creatures to maintain contact with their offspring after the offspring have reached maturity.Lmao at the reply "they're only 10!!"
Well there's not much you can do except say what you already know. Simply telling him that that's not a good thing to do, and I despite what anybody says, those kids will suffer. Some make out better than others but you can't lie to yourself and say that kids without a father are the same as kids growing up with a father. But it's not your call nor your responsibility, so say your opinion and move on. Don't let this be a burden on you.
Jack Kinghoff - Your friend sounds like a selfish piece of shit.
Regardless of his reason for reproducing, he chose to do so. When you have kids, they become your first priority regardless of whether or not your marriage pans out.
Fuck that guy.
I agree that this attitude would lead you to that conclusion. I've known him for 25 years and this really hasn't been the case. More like a charming narcissism bred as a response to some kind of self doubt vulnerability. I feel like his current reasoning comes from a place of: 1) feeling like he needs to completely blow things up as a self-protection mechanism; and 2) to hurt his wife.
Shroom Haze -Rex Manning - This is a natural occurrence in the animal world. Humans are some of the only creatures to maintain contact with their offspring after the offspring have reached maturity.Lmao at the reply "they're only 10!!"
hahaa I LOL'd at that too!
Rahjai MD -Shroom Haze -Rex Manning - This is a natural occurrence in the animal world. Humans are some of the only creatures to maintain contact with their offspring after the offspring have reached maturity.Lmao at the reply "they're only 10!!"
hahaa I LOL'd at that too!
I feel like there is a joke here - perhaps at my expense - that I would enjoy. Sadly, I am not sure I get it.
dhughes - I've a friend who has been saying he's going to do this for years and he never follows through with it. He's probably just playing out some sort of escapist fantasy in his head. Even if he did leave, he'll be back. Unless he's truly a complete piece of shit, in which case maybe it's better he's not around.
This is a great point and, truthfully, I suspect it might be the case here. That's why I am thinking that I don't go in real hard, but just say my piece more non-confrontationally.
Lol at leaving "a couple grand" in a bank somewhere for his kids. I am really sure that's gonna happen after he leaves them high and dry.
I would ask him how he would have felt if his own father had done the same.
comeonman1 - Lol at leaving "a couple grand" in a bank somewhere for his kids. I am really sure that's gonna happen after he leaves them high and dry.
Well, I think that this will be part of a court-ordered child support program. That said, I definitely could see him choosing to bet the millionaire family won't bother to chase him for it.
Mihow - You only get one life. Calling a guy a piece of shit because he wants to be happy is absurd.If you abandon your kids, you're a piece of shit.
There's NO WAY he can be happy without abandoning 3 children? Then they are better off without their piece of shit 'father'.
Kids internalize abandonment. There are exceptions, but he would be planting the seeds for all kinds of self-esteem and intimacy issues if he left.
A parent who actually loves their kids or gives a fuck about anything other than their themselves is motivated and compelled to be a part of a childs development. Not once in your explanation did he say anything about being a detriment in their lives - he just dismisses their existence as something he never wanted in the first place, and would rather be on a beach getting high. He's willing to create misery and dysfunction in someone else, his own fucking kids of all people, if it means him being "happy."
Your friend is a piece of shit.
If a buddy of mine followed through with something like that I'd have nothing to do with him. I hope he was just ranting away some frustration.