Online dating: a list of "tells" in online dating

copied and pasted from user "Doofus" from a football board (who says he wrote this and didn't get it from reddit or whatever).



I've been online dating again for the past 2-3 months. Between my prior and current experiences, I've been able to put together a list of "tells" based on a woman's online profile. Feel free to suggest additions, changes. 

Photo tells: 

Only group photos - she is the least attractive one 
Only face shots - she is overweight 
Only selfies, no pics taken by another person - she has no friends because of BPD, narcissism, or some other mental health issue 
Mostly pics of her partying - she is an alcoholic 
Only pics of her partying hard - she is an alcoholic with a serious coke habit to boot 
Pics of her in Dubai - she has had sex for straight cash, and if you meet her she will have the dead eyes of a Marine who has endured brutal nonstop combat or a woman who spent an afternoon having multiple sheiks take turns shitting and peeing on her (sidenote: dated a girl whose friend, a very pretty young woman, went to Dubai on a "sponsored" trip about five years ago and came back fundamentally broken. Lives with her parents and almost never leaves the house. Quite sad) 
Pics of white girl surrounded by children of color in some godforsaken third world village - lives in an area that is 99%+ white, and after a few drinks will start talking about how supporting Planned Parenthood is really important because "can you imagine how much worse [insert predominantly black neighborhood] would be without it?" (sidenote: actually happened to me a few years ago) 

Description tells: 

"I don't check messages here very often, hit me up on my Insta" - she has no intention of dating any of the losers using the dating app, and is only using the app to get new followers for her Instagram account in the hope of getting enough to be considered an "influencer" and make a living by posting pictures of herself holding some dietary supplement 
"Haven't tried online dating but my friends recommended it" - she has copied this from the same profile that she has used on eHarmony, Match, POF, OKCupid, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, and a number of other sites 
"Occupation: entrepreneur" - watch the fuck out 
"Occupation: student" (when she is 30+ years of age) - really watch the fuck out 
"Occupation: artist" - get some body armor and a welder's mask 
"Occupation: medical device sales" - she has previously fucked UNC 
"Attended Arizona State" - HAHAHAHAHA 
"I speak Russian" or "I used to live in Vegas" - RUN, MOTHERFUCKER 
"Used to be a party girl but ready to settle down" - after fucking well over 100 men notices wrinkles by the corners of her eyes; realizing that she has no money in her bank account and limited career options after a decade spent as a bottle service girl, needs a source of funding, will convince you that she loves and lusts for you, will divorce you within 5 years but get the house and a lifetime of alimony 
"Relationship status: single" - she has a boyfriend 
"Relationship status: separated" - she is living with a clueless husband 
"I just got out of a long-term relationship" - she will spend your first and only date talking about nothing other than her piece-of-shit ex, then after a few drinks start crying about how much she misses and loves him 
"I'm a foodie" - doesn't know how to boil water, but will get miffed if the place you make reservations at isn't Michelin starred 
"Love to travel" - in debt to the tune of six figures 
"Huge fan of [local sports franchise]" - once gave a BJ to one of the bench players in the men's room of a local watering hole while a Billy Joel song was playing 
"Light smoker" - is a heavy smoker 
"Social drinker" - gets blasted every night, has been barred from multiple establishments 
"Going through a rough patch" - within the first five minutes of your first date she will offer sex for money or coke if you have any 
"[Vapid Marilyn Monroe quote]" - doesn't realize that Marilyn died in her mid-30s alone from a drug overdose after three divorces (sidenote: Marilyn's "If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best" quote that women seem to love makes no sense - imagine an abusive guy saying that to a woman who wants to leave him because he beats her, for example) 
"Love going to the shooting range" - is a longtime poster on Stormfront's message board 
"I grew up in a traditional Middle Eastern home" - no Jews, please 
"I grew up in a traditional Asian home" - only white guys, please 
"I grew up in a traditional Indian home" - only want to fuck white guys before my arranged marriage, please 
"Ethnicity: mixed" - not mixed, and means either black girl who has convinced herself she has Asian eyes or a white girl who heard a grandparent mention there may have been some Native Americans in the ancestry 

"Looking for" tells: 

"Not looking for hookups" - looking for a hookup 
"Looking for someone with drive and ambition" - better be making six figures, bitch 
"Looking for a strong, confident man" - 9"+ only 
"Only looking for 6' and over" - she is somewhere between 4'10" and 5'4" 
"Must love curves" - she will reject any man that has more than 10% body fat 
"I hate fakes" - she will show up to your date in 4+ inch heels, face caked with makeup, extensions, a push-up bra (or fake boobs), contacts that change her eye color, and a knock-off Louis Vuitton bag 
"I love spontaneity" - will refuse to have sex in a position other than missionary 
"No creeps, please" - once accidentally matched with a Victard, still dealing with it in therapy 
"No stalkers, please" - once accidentally matched with a B5 poster, has a restraining order 
"Tired of boys, want a MAN" - ex is a DJ who she still races to fuck whenever he sends her his monthly "sup" text 
"Looking for a true partner and best friend" - undiagnosed mental illness / is saving up to attend a Tony Robbins event 

Some great ones.

Plus I think you forgot to mention women just flat out lie on their profiles.


I love people who are online dating and making fun of people online dating. 


Mother Fucker. You’re also on there. 

Pretty good. Should have included the body type translations. In other wirds



curvy=disgustingly fat, but may have big tits you could play with if you get drunk enough on the first date. 

A few extra pounds=Tried out for the cast of  ‘This Is Us’ but was just too fat. 

Another one, if there are no teeth in her smile then her teeth are all fucked up.

I love the 30-something chicks with way too many tattoos, who use a "sexy" photo of themselves that's clearly from their 20's, and the tattooing isn't nearly complete. It's basically a timestamp.

Also, any girl with "modeling" photos where it's just lingerie on a hotel bed was/is an escort.

Take your 1-10 rating of every girl’s profile and deduct that by 2. Then you will have your real-life 1-10 score.


(Real-life 6’s look like 8’s in their profiles, etc)


What's with all these women who say they love hiking? I wonder how often they really do it.


Goddamn I'm glad I don't have to deal with that shit. Sounds like tap-dancing on a motherfucking minefield.

Palmala Handerson -


Also, this ^

Pretty spot on

This is extremely accurate

u forgot: "i love to laugh"



no shit, bitch, who doesnt enjoy laughing?

Some of the things I found during my brief attempt at dating online.

Non-smoker = I am not smoking at the time I type this.

I do not have children = They are not in the room with me, or, they live with their father.

Tired of people who play games = Drama queen who plays games


I online date,  but strictly to bang and up my numbers.  Never,  and I mean NEVER would I take a chick serious that I met on a dating site. 

It should be noted I am not on match,  eharmony,  or any of the supposed reputable ones. 

The Dubai thing seems sad, what was the full story there?


I think I knew someone who did that, afraid she may have killed herself after the fact. 

Curious about the ones that say god first or some dumb shit on there profile