THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW
Crowd: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Jerry: Today's guests are here because they can't agree on fundamental
philosophical principles. I'd like to welcome Todd to the show.
Todd enters from backstage.
Jerry: Hello, Todd.
Todd: Hi, Jerry. Jerry: (reading from card) So, Todd, you're here to
tell your girlfriend something. What is it?
Todd: Well, Jerry, my girlfriend Ursula and I have been going out for
three years now. We did everything together. We were really
inseparable. But then she discovered post-Marxist political and
literary theory, and it's been nothing but fighting ever since.
Jerry: Why is that?
Todd: You see, Jerry, I'm a traditional Cartesian rationalist. I
believe that the individual self, the "I" or ego is the foundation of
all metaphysics. She, on the other hand, believes that the
contemporary self is a socially constructed, multi-faceted subjectivity
reflecting the political and economic realities of late capitalist
Todd: I know! I know! Is that infantile, or what?
Jerry: So what do you want to tell her today?
Todd: I want to tell her that unless she ditches the post-modernism,
we're through. I just can't go on having a relationship with a woman
who doesn't believe I exist.
Jerry: Well, you're going to get your chance. Here's Ursula!
Ursula storms onstage and charges up to Todd.
Ursula: Patriarchal colonizer!
She slaps him viciously. Todd leaps up, but the security guys pull
them apart before things can go any further.
Ursula: Don't listen to him! Logic is a male hysteria! Rationality
equals oppression and the silencing of marginalized voices!
Todd: The classical methodology of rational dialectic is our only road
to truth! Don't try to deny it!
Ursula: You and your dialectic! That's how it's been through our
whole relationship, Jerry. Mindless repetition of the post-Enlightenment
meta-narrative. "You have to start with radical doubt, Ursula."