Post your funny LEO experiences ( no bashing)

If you're LEO post your funny experiences with suspects.

If you're a citizen post any funny things that have happened to you or saw/ heard/ from LEO.

No bashing on this thread or debates. That is not the point. Phone Post

My partner and I found this drunk dude laying in a bush. He wasn't violent or a jerk just drunk so we decided to take him home. We get to his apt and he's typing in his door code and he says "5....3....Brian fucking urlacer! !!!"

We get up to his door and he says " I am not gay. ..but if I were I would totally do you both" so I say " okay sir go inside and lock the door behind you" and he turns around and says " ha, that's fucking gay"

I was laughing all the way down the elevator. Phone Post

Asking OGers not to bash is inviting bashing.

It's like a bat signal to angryinch.

One time in Hong Kong I was on a bender and it was about 1pm Sunday afternoon.

 

I'd had my phone and wallet stolen earlier in the evening and was given a ton of drugs by some random Triad because he thought I was cool.

 

Right after I fell on my face in front of a bank machine because I needed money to get home, but forgotten I'd lost my wallet again, I noticed a couple of police officers walking up.

 

I jumped right up in their face and asked them if they wanted to see my ID card.

 

Then, I stuck my hand in my pocket and remembered again that I'd had my wallet and phone stolen and that the only thing I had in my pockets were hard drugs.

 

They advised me to go straight home and helped me get a taxi.  Cops are so nice here.

 

After I got the taxi home, I had to ask him to wait while I went upstairs and explained to my lovely wife why she had to give me taxi fare.  I'd been hanging out with Triads and lost my wallet and phone.  I didn't tell her about the drugs in my pockets though.  That might not have been cool.

 

Fuck that was awesome.

When I was in college in DC, I picked up a slightly older woman who lived in Northern Va. After we completed our business I drove home, but I was still a little drunk and didn't know my way through DC by car very well. Basically, I had to get onto Pennsylvania to try to find my way home.

So, it was 4:30am and I was making all kinds of wrong turns and U-turns. At one point, I pulled into a parking lot to do a quick turnaround. I was immediately surrounded by three cops who had come sprinting.

Cop: What do you think you are doing?
Me: I'm just turning around, trying to head home and I'm all mixed up.
Cop: I'd say you're mixed up. You're turning around in the south parking lot of the White House!

No charge and they even helped get me pointed in the right direction again.

Had this old war vet with dementia call and say people were throwing stuff at his window. I arrive and his window is open the exchange went as follows
Him.. oh great they're here the cock sucker is here.
Me.. sir you called.. is everything okay?
Him.. I didn't call get the fuck outta here.
Me.. so you don't need the police right?
Him.. fuck you cock sucker mother fucker.
Me.. alright sir well if you need us just give us a call back. Have a good evening
Him..thanks you too. Have a good evening cock sucker.


Ha haha. I've dealt with him before and he is hilarious and smokes weed anywhere any time. I just leave him alone. Phone Post

You're showing that how showing even the lowest common denominator with some respect will get it back.

 

Imagine if all cops were like you.

 

Tell you what, in Hong Kong if a cop needed help and I were around, they wouldn't need to ask twice.

 

OP, I'd have your back too, thick or thin.

 

You're one of the good ones and thank you for that.

after i love tapped some dumb lady who decided to call the cops bc "her neck hurt" i was given a field sobriety test which is half passed and half failed (i was on drugs, i know im an asshole but was in college)....for some reason the cop let me go but not before he asked me if i had any mental diseases he should know of lol

 

 

another time got pulled over at 230 am for rolling thru a stop...cops smelled the half smoked bowl of weed in my jacket, searched my car and then let me go...when i went to take my bowl off the hood of my car to give to the cops they responded "nah, take it back home, theres still some left in there"

I was speeding, 45 in a 35 or something like that. Cop car sitting in a parking lot gets me on radar, turns on the red and blues. I slam on the breaks, drop to about 30 as quickly as I can, gripping the wheel. I'm screwed, totally getting a ticket. Cop turns off the lights and gives me a golf clap as I drive on by. At least I didn't get a ticket.

a jersey shore bitch was texting on her phone and almost swerved into me...i give her the "hang up the phone" hand gesture and she speeds up to cut me off and deliver the middle finger to me from her rear view

 

we hit a red light and a cop pulls up behind me and i "snitch" that the girl in front of me was on the phone (she was still talking/texting).......cop pulls over the girl and i point and make sure she sees me pointing and laughing at her

on my way back she is still pulled over but she is now cuffed and sitting on the curb getting her car searched.....i slowed down a little pointed laughed again.....it felt amazing

In Limbo - 


a jersey shore bitch was texting on her phone and almost swerved into me...i give her the "hang up the phone" hand gesture and she speeds up to cut me off and deliver the middle finger to me from her rear view



 



we hit a red light and a cop pulls up behind me and i "snitch" that the girl in front of me was on the phone (she was still talking/texting).......cop pulls over the girl and i point and make sure she sees me pointing and laughing at her



on my way back she is still pulled over but she is now cuffed and sitting on the curb getting her car searched.....i slowed down a little pointed laughed again.....it felt amazing



reminds me of something that happened to me a few years ago.  I was driving down a narrow one lane per direction residential side street with a speed limit of 30.   My radar detector had gone off so I was going exactly 30.  Some jackass behind me was apparently in some kind of hurry and was tailgating me.  I reached my arm out the window and motioned for him to slow down.  He wasn't having any of it and started flashing his lights and getting closer, then backing off, then getting closer, and finally decided to pass me.  He must have accelerated to 55 or 60, jumps into the opposite lane and tears around me and right when he does, there's the cop about half a block in front of us.  



He ran out into the street and flagged the guy down.



What pissed me off the most was that the cop then had the audacity to motion to me to slow down.  The fucking nerve.  I had my cruise control set at exactly 30.  

6ULDV8 -


You're showing that how showing even the lowest common denominator with some respect will get it back.



 



Imagine if all cops were like you.



 



Tell you what, in Hong Kong if a cop needed help and I were around, they wouldn't need to ask twice.



 



OP, I'd have your back too, thick or thin.



 



You're one of the good ones and thank you for that.

Thanks brother. Any new officers I ride with I try to instill my thought process. Phone Post

Was riding with a buddy once who like to toke the reefer. We got pulled over when he switched lanes without a signal. He was literally smoking a bowl when the blue lights came one, so, needless to say, it was not good.

Cop: Have you been smoking marijuana?
Buddy: No sir.
Cop: I detect the odor of burnt marijuana. Are you sure?
Buddy: Yes, I'm sure.
Cop: Well, I'd like to let you know that I'm a K-9 officer and the dog is in the back of my car. You can level with me or I can go get the dog.
Buddy: In that case sir, I have some marijuana.


At the time it was not funny AT ALL. But later I couldn't help but laugh at his frank admission. He ended up getting a ticket for possession or something, nothing too serious.

As a black man I do not approve of this thread.

Lived in the mountains of Tahoe about 20 years ago. Was sort of, kind of dating a girl in a wheelchair. Not fully paralyzed, but unable to walk. She was very hot though.

We go out to a bar one night (in her modified car) and she gets absolutely shithoused. I get pretty inebriated, but am still functional.

At closing, I load her up into the passenger seat, put her chair in the back and start the 5 mile drive back to her place along the now mostly deserted main road.

About 1 mile from her pad, I get pulled over.

Girl has been passed out since I loaded her up. I tell her it's time to wake up, we're getting pulled over.

I roll to a stop and she isn't really waking up. I am shaking her and loudly telling her to try and focus.

I see the flashlight coming up behind me in the sideview mirror, and 5 seconds before the cop is at my window, drunk paralyzed girl does a face plant right into my lap.

Cop raps on the window and I roll it down with one hand as I am lifting her head out of my lap with the other.

Cop is doing his best to stifle his giggles, but he is clearly very amused. Between chuckles he tells me I "swerved a bit back there"

I explain what's going on... that my paralyzed friend was unable to drive, I am unfamiliar with her car, just trying to get her home, it's only another mile...

Cop shines his light in the back and sees the wheelchair. Shines it on the girl and she is totally out still. Asks if I have been drinking. I evade the question and ask for sympathy for my poor paralyzed friend.

Finally (after running my license) he says he is going to escort me to her house and if he sees my car is gone before morning, he is coming to my address to arrest me.

He then follows my drunken ass to her place, and sits and watches (and chuckles himself silly) as I try to wrestle her dead weight out of the car and into her chair.

Everything went better than expected!

angryinch -
In Limbo - 


a jersey shore bitch was texting on her phone and almost swerved into me...i give her the "hang up the phone" hand gesture and she speeds up to cut me off and deliver the middle finger to me from her rear view



 



we hit a red light and a cop pulls up behind me and i "snitch" that the girl in front of me was on the phone (she was still talking/texting).......cop pulls over the girl and i point and make sure she sees me pointing and laughing at her



on my way back she is still pulled over but she is now cuffed and sitting on the curb getting her car searched.....i slowed down a little pointed laughed again.....it felt amazing



reminds me of something that happened to me a few years ago.  I was driving down a narrow one lane per direction residential side street with a speed limit of 30.   My radar detector had gone off so I was going exactly 30.  Some jackass behind me was apparently in some kind of hurry and was tailgating me.  I reached my arm out the window and motioned for him to slow down.  He wasn't having any of it and started flashing his lights and getting closer, then backing off, then getting closer, and finally decided to pass me.  He must have accelerated to 55 or 60, jumps into the opposite lane and tears around me and right when he does, there's the cop about half a block in front of us.  



He ran out into the street and flagged the guy down.



What pissed me off the most was that the cop then had the audacity to motion to me to slow down.  The fucking nerve.  I had my cruise control set at exactly 30.  

Cop standing in street making an enforcement stop? You should slow down less than the posted limit. Phone Post 3.0

One case I had this woman ate too much weed and tried to drive.  She wasn't driving weird or anything, just freaking out.  She spotted this police officer and pulled up next to him.  She motioned for him to roll down the window and he did and she tells him, "I think I'm too high to drive.  Can you help me?"  

I couldn't do much for her on that case.  

Went to an elderly lady who had phoned 999 and was so incoherent the handler sent me round to Welfare check. The lady was about 90 and must have had dementia or something as she spent the whole time I was there ranting incoherently. As I was about to leave (it was sheltered housing so she had care readily available) she let out a massive fart that sounded like a tearing curtain. Without stopping talking she wriggled her hips and her massive underpants fell from under her skirt to her ankles with a giant turd sitting proudly in the gusset. She lifted one foot out and with the other one spun the underpants around and flicked them and the turd across the room where they hit the wall and slid down it leaving a big shitty skid mark.
I took that as my cue to exit. Phone Post 3.0

This one wasn't me but was a jaded officer who was very close to retirement. He worked in a rural station and received a call from a farmer who'd had half a dozen ducks stolen. The constable finalised the job saying "I've spoken to the farmer and we've agreed no theft has occured as a fox took the ducks".
The following week he was called into his Sergeants office about it. The conversation went like this
Sergeant "so what happened with the theft of ducks then?
Constable "I've spoken with the farmer and we agreed a fox had them away"
Sergeant " I see.. Well not only is Mr fox cunning, he's also bloody strong as those ducks were made of granite. Now get out there and take the report you lazy bastard" Phone Post 3.0