"Sasquatch tried to rape me!"

http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/colorado-hunter-claims-he-was-sexually-assaulted-by-a-sasquatch/

Blue namer please lol.

Darrel Whitaker, from Glenwood Springs in Colorado, claims a sasquatch attacked him and attempted to rape him while he was walking in the woods.

The 57-year old man was walking to his hunting cabin on Sunday, to see if it had suffered any damage during the winter.

All of a sudden, a large “gorilla-like” creature dropped from a tree in front of him punched him in the face.

“It was at least 8-foot tall and it’s punches hurt like hell! I was knocked right out at the first blow!”

While Mr. Whitaker was trying to recover from the attack, the large humanoid creature began to tear his clothes while letting out some terrifying howls.

“When I regained consciousness, he had already torn my pants and was tearing through my underwear. I stabbed him in the shoulder with my hunting knife, and that made him run away.”


Mr. Whitaker immediately reported the attack to both the Glenwood Springs Police Department (GSPD) and the Colorado Parks and Wildlife agency, and a joint investigation has been launched.

?

Investigators found some extremely large footprints on the site, which they believe are those of the aggressor.

Darrel Whitaker is convinced that the creature who attacked him was a sasquatch, but the GSPD investigators say it’s more probable that the attacker is simply a particularly large and hairy man.

They are currently interrogating nearby residents to see if anyone noticed an individual corresponding to the description of the suspect.

According to the victim, the attacker measure around 8-foot tall and is extremely hairy. He has brown hair, dark brown eyes and extremely large feet.

If you possess any information concerning the suspect, please contact the Glenwood Springs Police Department or the Colorado Parks and Wildlife agency.

It was swamp gas. 

I fucking hate when I go to check my cabin and that goddamn Bigfoot tries to rape me.
Every fucking year.

 Get some DNA readings from the blood on the knife.. and lol @ that photo of the footprint. 

If he just succumbed to the rape, the entire planet would know if bigfoot was real or not.

Imagine the cream pie!

Samsquatch 

It's just crazy fuckin Sam.

Classic squatch behavior.

Obviously he doesn't know BJJ.

Must have been the alpha male. Possibly a rogue male. They get huge erections when they're angry.

Altofsky should make that knife.

He should have taken a little DNA for the team!

 

I did nothing of the sort.

RenatoCocopreta - Altofsky should make that knife.
My Pigstickers will do the job. :)