The Joke Thread.

Let's hear your best jokes!! I'll start.

 

I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay. They beat me up and arrested me!

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why that long face?"

The horse, being a horse, thus not being able to comprehend the complexities of a conversation, says nothing and then shits on the floor.
 

Did you know that there is a species of antelope that can jump higher than the average house?

It's true. This is partly because of the antelope's powerful hind legs. But it's mostly because the average house can't jump.
 

A man goes in a mental hospital and says to the receptionist, "Is there anyone in room 30?"

The receptionist goes and checks.

She comes back and says, "No, sir, there's no one in there."

The man replies, "Ah, that's good, I must have escaped."

Me and the missus went out for dinner the other night. I was trying to read the menu but all she wanted to do was play footsie under the table. Anyway to cut a long story short, I decided on the steak and she got toed in the hole.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with being a compulsive liar.

Then she sucked my cock.

Soup Nazi -


My psychiatrist diagnosed me with being a compulsive liar.



Then she sucked my cock.

LOL!

Women's rights

"You know how the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's a power struggle and the second toe assumes control over the foot. The coup de toe!"

"You ever notice how cars here in New York, they don't get out of the way of ambulances anymore? Someone's in a life and death situation and we're thinking, sorry buddy you should have thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes and sausage for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years."

Good jokes.

What did one gay sperm say to another?

How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Soup Nazi -


Did you know that there is a species of antelope that can jump higher than the average house?



It's true. This is partly because of the antelope's powerful hind legs. But it's mostly because the average house can't jump.

 

This. Is. Awesome.

Add these to the ocean to the penguin thread! If not there already

You know, I was on this plane once, and I’m sittin there, and the captain gets on and does his whole you know “we’ll be cruising at 35,000 feet,” but then he put puts the mic down and forgets to turn it off. And he turns to the co-pilot and he’s like “you know, all I could use right now is a fuckin’ blow job and a cup of coffee.” So the stewardess goes fuckin’ bombing up from the back of the plane to tell him that his microphone’s still on and this guy in the back of the plane’s like “hey hun, don't forget the coffee”

A gay couple was taking a plane trip to Hawaii. Lets call them bob and bill. Bob got so excited about the trip that he got frisky. Bill didn't want anyone to see them, so he says Stop it, there are people here!
Bob says They are busy watching the movie, nobody will notice. Bill says They will notice I'll prove it to you and asks out loud if anybody has a pen.
He gets no response, so the couple start going at it .After the plain lands, the stewardesses say goodbye to the people leaving. The last one to leave plane has vomit all over his shirt. The stewardess says:
- Next time, you should ask for a vomit bag, sir.
The guy replies:
- Yeah right, a vomit bag. One guy asked for a pen and they fucked him in the ass!

What's brown and sits on a piano bench?

 

Beethoven's first movement.

 

 

 

 

 

What did they call Hamlet when he was a baby?

 

 

Piglet. 

I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I dont know Y. 

 

 

 

 

ABCTT. 

groundfighter2000 - You know, I was on this plane once, and I’m sittin there, and the captain gets on and does his whole you know “we’ll be cruising at 35,000 feet,” but then he put puts the mic down and forgets to turn it off. And he turns to the co-pilot and he’s like “you know, all I could use right now is a fuckin’ blow job and a cup of coffee.” So the stewardess goes fuckin’ bombing up from the back of the plane to tell him that his microphone’s still on and this guy in the back of the plane’s like “hey hun, don't forget the coffee”

LMFAO!! Good joke!!

An old man walks into the produce section of a supermarket and asks for half a head of lettuce.  The produce clerk says, "Half a head?", and the man replies, "That's right".

The clerk tells the man to wait while he goes to talk to the store manager but, the old man follows the clerk into the managers office without the clerk noticing.

The clerk says to the manager, "There's an idiot out there who wants half a head of lettuce", and as the clerk turns to point him out he sees the old man standing right behind him so he quickly adds, "... And this gentleman would like the other half."

Two Russians walk into a car dealership but there are no cars to buy so the salesman says, "We have camel.  Cheap, you no need fuel, no break down."

So the Russians decide to buy the camel and 'drive it' off the lot.

Ten minutes later the Russians return to the dealership dishevelled and out of breath.

The salesman asks "What happening?" and the Russians replied, "We riding camel on road.  Very busy it was.  We stop at red light and man in car beside us yelling to everybody, 'Hey, look at two assholes on camel!', so we jump off camel to look but camel run away!"