Want a Blue Funny Guy???

I won a SN bet with Jacques Furieux and he has graciously offered to buy a Blue name for the mudder of my choice. Whoever tells the best joke gets it. I will mae my decision tomorrow around 5:00p.m. So go ahead you mudders, make the UG laugh!!!

"A guy had a repeating dream night after night - He dreamed he had a screw protruding from his belly button, and a giant Screwdriver would come out of the sky and try to remove the screw. He would awaken just as the screwdriver began unscrewing.

After several nights of this, he decided to allow the dream to play out. So he witnesses the screw being removed from his nave.

He awakes the next morning, and to his amazement, he finds a large hole in his belly button where the apparent screw had been.

He got up out of bed and you know what happened ?













His ass fell off

Two men are driving through New York State when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.

"You're in New York, son," the trooper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.

"Just making your wish come true, son" replies the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.

"Because," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"

How are Lima beans and anal sex alike?




If you were forced to have either as a kid, you won't like them as an adult.

She: You never told me you had a small organ.


He: You never told me I would be playing in a cathederal.

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.

Why did the piece of gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken's foot.

Good ones so far, keep 'em coming :)

Brian Ogle - While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.



The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.



Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.



The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.



The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.


 WIN

That joke could easily apply to Bush in every facet.

There is a Mexican, a black guy, and a white guy hanging out.
A Genie appears and agrees to grant them each one wish.

The Mexican goes first and wishes for all his Mexican brethren to be free and happy in Mexico.

The Black guy is next and wishes for all his African brethren to be free and happy back in Africa.

Finally, the Genie asks the white guy "What will your wish be?"
White guy responds "you mean to tell me all the blacks and Mexicans are out of my country?" "Yes" the Genie says.



"Well, I'll have a coke then!!!"

Brock would beat Fedor

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I' d get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face
of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't
be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my
recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was
reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out
on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking
to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dipshit," reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HO L Y MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF
MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my
eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my
legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever
feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no
such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of
that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on
the floor. A three second burst wou ld be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like
it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no
control over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself, but was too numb to know
for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
which I believe was coming from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

An old man is sitting on his porch and a young boy walks by with a roll of duct tape in his hands.

Old Man: Where ya going with that there duct tape son?

Young Boy: I'm going duck hunting!

The old man laughs and watches the boy go by. 3 hours later the boy walks back past his house with 3 ducks.

The next day the young boy walks by the old man's porch with a roll of chicken wire.

Old Man: Where ya going with that there chicken wire son?

Young Boy: I'm going chicken hunting!

The old man shakes his head and laughs. 3 hours later the boy returns with three chickens.

The next day the young boy walks past the old man's porch again with a pussy willow in his hand.

Old Man: Hold on son! I'm coming with you!

What do you call a woman with one leg?








ilene

How do you know when the vegtables are done?

The wheelchairs float to the top




Why does snoop dogg always carry an umbrella??

Fo da Drizzle

last time your dad took out the trash was when he threw your mom out

A SOUTHERNER MOVES UP NORTH



JAN 10 5:00 PM. It's starting to snow. The first snow of the season and

the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered

rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down,

clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!



Jan 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white covering the

landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a

beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and

loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city

snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with

compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved

back and shoveled it again.



Jan 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has

dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs

snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again.

Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of

the snow is now brownish-gray.



Jan 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon

became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both

cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but

nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.



Jan 14 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get

to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway, and did considerable amounts of

damage to the right quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit

last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in

store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.



Jan 15 2 degrees outside. More fuckin' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our

property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night.

Tried to keep from freezing to death with candies and a kerosene heater,

which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the

flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my

eyelashes and eyebrows. 4x4 slid on the ice on the way to the

emergency-room and was totaled.



Jan 16 Goddamn mother fuckin' white shit keeps coming down. Have to put

all the clothes on we own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox. If I ever

catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow I'll chew open his

chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits

to plow shut our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part

of the roof has started to cave in.



Jan 17 Six goddamn more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin'

sleet, fuckin' ice and goddamn knows what other kind of white fuckin'

shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice

axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going

snowblind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More

snow predicted. Wind Chill -22 fuckin' degrees. I'm moving back to

North Carolina!

All methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now... the wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough I can figure it out.

YA THINK!!!

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

Cold wax my a-- (Oh how this phrase haunts me!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.

After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my coochie and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip)!

I inhale deeply and brace myself.

RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums???

OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip but there is no hair on it.

Where is the wax???

Slowly I eased my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax!

I peel my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair and then make the next big mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet.

I know I need to move to do something. So I put my foot down and then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Coochie? Sealed shut. A-- ?? Sealed shut.

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "I hope I don't get the urge to "go potty". My head may pop off!!

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???

WRONG

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now the only thing worse that having your business glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which by the way doesn't melt the cold wax.

So now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!

I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and cooch are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"

She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where is the wax on the butt "Are we talking cheeks or what?" She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH right!! I could be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I result in scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!

I then find the most beautiful saving grace.... that is the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. I rub some and scream "IT works!! It works!!

I get a hearty "congratulations" from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my dismay... The hair is still there... all of it. So I shaved the stuff off.

Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then I put the wax back in the medicine cabinet, I may have a mustache that needs work someday.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.......