What would you do? (Long parenting question)

You’ve been forewarned:

So in January of this year, my daughter experienced a trauma while at one of her mother’s friends house (staying the night with her daughter), which led to a suicide attempt and hospitalization. She took some pills before leaving my house to go back to her moms. That kept me from leaving the state for law school. And that’s fine.

Fast forward to recent times and her step father and her are butting heads, she’s expressed a desire to come stay here because her mother and her also aren’t getting along. To which I finally caved and said that I would need to talk to her counselor first before making any further advances in this endeavor. Talked to counselor who not only agreed it would be best, offered to write a documented letter to the courts shall it end up there, but recommended I try to do so without dragging our daughter through that. So I did.

All of a sudden my ex lets our 14 year old have Snapchat, a long agreed upon “no-no”, signs her up for sports camps, takes her out for ice cream, cries about me “taking her daughter away.”

Luckily, my kid says she sees through it, and knows she will go back to how she was (makes her watch her other two kids, allows her current husband to treat our child like shit, mean, heartless). So she video records (with my wife, while I was busy getting slapped by pre-teens on video games like a man bitch) a phone call where the ex spends 27 minutes lying/talking shit about me to my child.

Now she’s a teen, she in confused and doesn’t know how to handle all this. I won’t bad mouth her mom, even though I know it could sway her in the direction of standing up to her mom who has bullied and manipulated her into staying there (brought her sister and mom over to tell my daughter how horrible switching schools is because they all tried to).

Do I tell my kid what a piece of shit her mom is? Every fiber of my being is saying not to. I addressed each and every lie that her mom spewed to her on that phone call. But never once did I reciprocate the bad mouthing.
Do I let her mom get her way? This seems hard to swallow as I know what she’s done to manipulate my child into getting it. It would likely be the least stress in the short term on my kid, but in the long run, she’s going to eventually end up right back here wanting to live here.

I’m stressed dudes. Super stressed. I don’t want to get an attorney because if the day it comes time to say where she wants to live, her mom pulls some manipulative shit on her and she says with her mom, then there goes all my savings down the drain. Don’t get me wrong, if it all went well it would be money well spent but this woman is so conniving, such a subhuman piece of shit (I can say that here right? Because I can’t say it around my kid). This has been all about her, about me “trying to take away my daughter”, never once about what would be best for her. I offered to let her keep child support and try a change in environment for a year without it being anything legal and she says “so now you’re threatening me?”

Fml.

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Hang in there man. I dont really know what kind of advice to give you because I am an idiot. But I can tell you this… you are her dad and it sounds like she needs you more than ever. Stay strong, lead by example, and be there for her.

Will keep you in my prayers homie.

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Talk with your daughter, have an honest convo about what she wants and how serious it is to move and if she is gung ho support her.

If she seems wish washy let it drop.

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Thanks man.

I’m not like, slipping or anything. Just upset that the tactics used by one side aren’t what I’ll stoop to. I don’t want to say to “win” because I’m only wanting my daughter to have as good of a life as possible, whether here or there, but to get her where she’s allowed to be a child, and not a servant. Most of all, I don’t want her to grow up to be like her mother.

We’ve done so. Each time her mother manipulates her in some way to change her mind. “Oh try out one more year here” “oh changing schools is terrible”

You can’t kill your ex because that would hurt your daughter. Always remember that

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Well then its not going to work and you will waste your time and money.

Head off to law school and make your life better.

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Lol, I’ve known this since our divorce 10+ years ago. And if it weren’t for the kid, know what? I wouldn’t want to in the first place. Odd conundrum.

I don’t ever condone it, but when a I see the news about an “estranged wife” or “ex wife” being murdered by the guy, I always understand. Again, don’t think it’s ok, but I get it.

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We all understand that.

Bro. Don’t bad mouth her mother. I know it seems like a good idea now. Your daughter is and will see the light later in life n regards to how her mother is. If you bad mouth her mother, she will most likely end up resenting you at some point.

Just stay focused on her mental health and do what you can/need to do in order to get her living with you.

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Agreed. I haven’t, and i don’t think I should but I just can’t differentiate the line between badmouth and being honest.

Distinguish between holding her mother accountable and calling a spade a spade, from just “badmouthing her mom.”

If your cub is a teen you can have more real conversations with her that are age appropriate. Find a way to be up front and direct(as age permits) while still being respectful of their mom. Easier said yhan donr but thats where managing your own emotions towards mom comes in. And keeping them in check will be a godsend so it doesnt become shit talking

If your kid is already seeing through her mom’s shit how do you think that makes your kid feel about YOU when you arent direct about her mom? Does that help or hurt her faith and trust in you? Perhaps ask your kid questions to get her impression things and you use that as a baseline on what you can or “shouldnt” say about mom

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Don’t tell her what a piece of shit her mom is. She will figure it out. Wanting to go to your place is her figuring it out.

Trauma is very real and long lasting. It’s a shitty card to be dealt but getting her in counselling is the right thing.

There are a lot of parenting posts on the UG and this one screams good dad imo

It’s illegal in most states to talk negatively about a spouse. I’d bust her over that.

Also, don’t ever go all in for full custody unless you’re sure you’ll win.

Get a counselor’s report and move when needed. Sounds like your daughter needs you.

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Quick Example:

shit talking-YOUR MOM IS SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT I CANT BELIEVE THE STUPID SHIT SHE DOES

Direct and upfront- look i know there has been a lot of issues going on lately and this conversation is hard for me because i care for you but i also want to be respectful of you , and your relationship with your mother. I have a lot of personal disagreements and grievances with your mother and her approach, not to mention i have some hurt feelings over our history. Your mom has stengths and weaknesses just like i do. I do not approve of some of her approaches or choices with you but i also know that is the home where you live and she has the right to make the rules there. On the flipside i know she doesnt approve of all my choices either but thats okay because adults and parents are not always going to see eye to eye. How are you feeling about things? How can i support you? Please be patient with me because i love you and want to help you as best i can but this situation is a bit difficult for me to navigate but i am doing my best and i take your feedback very seriously.

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This is a battle most men never win. It will not matter if you end with custody or not. You can continue to put band-aids on your situation or you can grab this bitch by the balls and make a stand. Your damned if you do and your certainly damned if you dont.

Fight and do not let up. If you allow her mother to dictate your relationship with your daughter then you will lose her. It’s best to show her that you are fighting for her and losing that battle. Rather then for her to grow up thinking you didn’t do anything at all.

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Too many variables and things that could go wrong here to offer any advice beyond speak with professionals. I wish you and your daughter the best.

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Tell her the truth and take her. Don’t think twice and do it. Hiding the truth about the shit spouse is fine while they are 8. Your daughter is freaking with adult shit and should be treated as one and expected to act mostly like one.

Holding it back from her at this point is essentially lying. Just state the facts, no emotion about her mom being a piece of shit.

Go get your kid

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If this is the case then don’t waste your time or money on going to court. It’s hard to get the kid if they’re begging to live with you as a man. If your daughter isn’t 100% sure you’re wasting your time. Sorry you’re dealing with this. These situations are horrible. I hope you get some resolution to this mess. Good luck.

So this is why you convince women you’re capable of murdering them. They are too afraid to pull this shit!