Why MMA, UG fighters, Depression, and Robin W

So this is going to be long and heavy handed, it might even wander a bit as it's more of just a stream of consciousness. I long ago receded into lurker status after a string of less-than stellar performances. This morning I woke up and read one of the thousand of articles on Robin Williams, but it was an article that hit pretty close to home, on cracked of all places.

http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/robin-williams-why-funny-people-kill-themselves/

I have had a very bad struggle with depression for a long long time. I mentioned it once in a thread a long time ago. Before I got into MMA I struggled with depression, drinking, and constant thoughts of suicide including a less than proud attempt. I still slip back into bad old thought processes on occassion, especially through the grind of a fight camp when you've been mentally and physically ground to a pulp. Recently it had been rearing its head again, after losing the biggest opportunity of my life and getting knocked out in front of 600,000 people, then being left by my fiancee shortly thereafter, but still having to muster up the energy to soldier back into the gym and workouts (work for me) to exhaust myself physically and mentally in order to prepare for another fight. And there are days after I'm just too damn tired to be what everyone wants. Even my closest friends expect me to be loud and boisterous, head of the class, making jokes, being sarcastic, high energy, unshakable, etc. Typical guy bullshitting. But I just couldn't do it. I wanted to be left alone, I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide, but I couldn't because if I didn't prepare for my next fight I would be on a 2-loss skid and likely have my contract terminated ending my run at my dream. So I got to the gym, and everyone constantly had to belt out "oh watch out, mike's cranky" or "aww who's in a bad mood". Being in a predominantly "mega-alpha-male" world of mma obviously has its own set of issues, having to portray a certain tough guy image, etc, but this article really reflected a lot on how many fighters I sit down and have a beer with feel a lot of the time. Not necessarily about being "funny" like in this article, but to be "invincible". To be confident and fearless and a leader. You don't want to drop your song and dance because you're afraid that when you do, everyone will leave, stop looking up to you, doubt you, or be repulsed by you. Or worse, that you having doubts and fears like everyone else will be targeted and you'll be viewed as "weak" or "can't handle the spotlight" or should "find another job". In the world of MMA it's all magnified millions of times over. You have to uphold images for sponsors, to attract big fight attention, to get in the spotlight, to have a social media presence. Think about how many times on these boards alone you see "no one's forcing them to do this job" instead of any sense of compassion or understanding that engaging in combat for other's entertainment in front of thousands of people might cause a sense of fear or uneasiness on occassion. That sacrificing everything to live on a shoestring budget that can be pulled out from under your feet in the blink of an eye because you slipped when you should have ducked and ended up laying on the mat, can be nervewracking. Years of work gets blinked out in a punch. Fighters all have their own reasons to fight, and rarely is it thoughts of stardom or money. I think the average poster doesn't realize the value a fan has to an MMA fighter. Think about how much more accessible fighters are to the average fan as opposed to an NFL, NBA, or MLB Star. You can go on facebook and generally get a signed picture, glove, something, from 99% of fighters out there, just by asking. You can go to their gyms and train with them, instead of being held behind some wall to watch them leave summer training camps or whatever. Fighters love their fans, they often are proof to a fighter that maybe they're achieving something, that they're doing great, that they're achieving despite what self-value issues they may have, and when they suddenly find themselves at their lowest, be it a poor performance, a loss, an injury.. many can't handle having those they care about pile on more negativity. Myself included. Maybe the fighter has to hide so much in order to perform at their peak to chase a dream, to compete at high levels, to even prepare for competition, and sometimes it becomes too much to pretend to be the invincible mega warrior gladiatorial sexy death machine action stars we all secretly want our fighters to be. Larger than life stars battling in martial arts in miniature wars. We want the fans to get what they want too. We want them to see us as those action figures. We want fans to look up to us, we want to inspire our teammates, we want to be admired and loved for our achievements. More often, you'll find the quest to be the greatest fighter stemmed from deep feelings of insecurity that they're afraid that they're worthless, so they searched for a pure outlet to prove otherwise. Just as anyone wants to feel valuable when they feel unloved or down, fighting is often an outlet where someone feels the can prove their worth in the most primitive way. You can't help but wonder if the unforgiveable and repulsive acts of a man named "war machine" would have ever taken place if more people truly got to know and understand the problems of a man named "john". Its sad when a much beloved figure such as Robin Williams takes their own life, and yes, there will be those that try to be edgy and dark humored and make snide remarks about tragedy, but often they're the most insecure ones of all, projecting their fears through a shield of blue humor. But hopefully a tragedy can spark discussions to talk about trying to learn more about people's true motivations, that it doesn't matter if people have money or seem successful or spend their life in the public's eye, but that they're still people and can suffer the same emotions, insecurities, and fears as everyone else. I've probably rambled on long enough. I'll recede to my lurker cave now. Thanks for reading. Phone Post 3.0

I appreciate the shit you put yourself through just to entertain us all. It's a scary game you're playing in MMA because if you lose you become irrelevant and irrelevant people do get forgotten, sadly.

You ever need someone to talk to about anything you can give me a call 618-698-3527. I might not have the best advice but i sure can listen. Phone Post 3.0

Great post Mike

and JustAble as well

I'm always here for anyone who needs an ear 

Later Phone Post 3.0

ttt Phone Post 3.0

thanl you for the important post.

That was an awesome post Phone Post 3.0

ttt

Hit home with that one ... Great post Phone Post 3.0

Depression is no less of a disease than Diabetes, Cancer or any other form of illness. 

 

If you suffer from it (or even think you might), get help immediately from a credible counselor and/or psychiatrist. Don't try to be a hero, don't try to "tough it out", don't try to "snap out of it." 

 

Get help. 

JustAble - I appreciate the shit you put yourself through just to entertain us all. It's a scary game you're playing in MMA because if you lose you become irrelevant and irrelevant people do get forgotten, sadly.

You ever need someone to talk to about anything you can give me a call 618-698-3527. I might not have the best advice but i sure can listen. Phone Post 3.0


How do you feel about random dick pics?  



 



 



Joking aside, great thread.  VUs for you guys

Awesome. Just fkn hoofing post OP, VU!
thank you for taking the time to share. Takes a great amount of effort and bravery to post that. Very pleased and wishing you every success in everything you do! Phone Post 3.0

VU and in for later. Finally a decent thread with thought and insight - thanks OP - stay strong. I have cared for someone very close with severe depression for many years - the right therapy/doctors and right location/space changed her life for the better.

Also it's often lost on boards/MMA forums online like this that the fighters are human beings and some of the harsh shit thats said does leave a nasty taste in the mouth. I am not interested in thi soap opera of car crash lives being played out currently - its embarrasing to see thread after thread on the subject in a forum where we should be discussing real topics and building a better community. 

Brave post. Find your space. If things are not working and happiness is a struggle there is always a way to make changes but reading your post I know you were not dealing with depression as a sole topic but rather asking fans to be empathetic something that when implimented by many makes the world a better place. Wish you luck man

Mike, that was your first loss and it was against another hungry up and comer. One of you had to lose and you just got caught. Not a career ender by any means.

Depression is a mofo and I've dealt with it my fair share. Between deployments and dumb shit with women I can fully empathize with you. As far as the sport goes, it always helped me to travel and recenter myself. You've been at it for a few years now, maybe a vacation from the sport is in order? Only a couple weeks or something. Maybe Thailand or Brazil or something. Relax, train if you feel like it, stare at some Brazilian asses (preferably female), and take a breather. It's very mentally draining to deal with depression and try to be a professional athlete and put yourself out there in a sport where the outcome can be disastrous and most people who have never tried their hand at it can criticize you freely.

Come on up to Sityodtong if you want to get away from your surroundings for a week or something. Phone Post 3.0

Naderhood - Mike, that was your first loss and it was against another hungry up and comer. One of you had to lose and you just got caught. Not a career ender by any means.

Depression is a mofo and I've dealt with it my fair share. Between deployments and dumb shit with women I can fully empathize with you. As far as the sport goes, it always helped me to travel and recenter myself. You've been at it for a few years now, maybe a vacation from the sport is in order? Only a couple weeks or something. Maybe Thailand or Brazil or something. Relax, train if you feel like it, stare at some Brazilian asses (preferably female), and take a breather. It's very mentally draining to deal with depression and try to be a professional athlete and put yourself out there in a sport where the outcome can be disastrous and most people who have never tried their hand at it can criticize you freely.

Come on up to Sityodtong if you want to get away from your surroundings for a week or something. Phone Post 3.0
^ love this place. Good ppl reaching out. Quality ppl. VU Phone Post 3.0

Thank you all for the support and kind words, but please, I'm not the focus of this. This forum was originally founded as a way to discuss our sport, and when we were fortunate, a way to connect with athletes and learn what goes through the minds of those willing to step in the cage. I was a forum lurker here well before I was a fighter of any sort. I'm not a name in any way shape or form, but I thought I'd share some of my experience in this game so that it may trigger some to think twice before feeling internet bold. So many people have to put on a mask to get through their day, be it an athlete for sponsors, a comedian for public face, a family member to remain in control, or just a scared and lonely person hiding behind a facebook profile they alter to make their life look glamorous and exotic so they don't feel left out. It becomes a strain to live two identities. I just hope out of some tragedies, like the loss of a beloved man who's job was to make laughter, or the troubling actions of a professional athlete, we can learn to seek the reason and the thought, not just knee-jerk into a who's right and who's wrong battle.
And Jeff - I'm still hiding from that hamhock overhand ;) but you have many valid points. I often think about taking a break but the truth is, I have no money, I work a part time under the table car detailing job to make ends meet while I train for fights. I refuse to use anything more than ibuprofen and protein (not that I could afford PEDs lol) so I don't know how many years these bones have left in them. 30 isn't a spring chicken in the MMA world, so if I have a shot to be something special, I gotta take it now; further; you need to strike the iron while hot when winning and quickly erase bad memories when losing. Insecurities also drive me back to the gym. When I try to escape the sport and the stress, fear that another hungry fighter is in there sweating and training coming to eat me alive, so I need to get back in there. It's a weird game. I'm willing to talk about some of my insecurities and fears because I've found that it actually does help. This sport saved my life, it gave me focus, it gave me a goal, it gave me a leadership role to others, a reason to be sober. I love it. And I'm thankful for all I've gotten, because I know a million other fighters would sacrifice an arm to have the opportunities I've had. Phone Post 3.0

Very well said, brotha Phone Post 3.0

OP, thanks from the bottom of my heart for starting this conversation. You're a champ for that, brother. One of the most unfortunate about mental health issues is the cultural stigma and lack of awareness around these issues!

A good intro to some really powerful ways to think about depression and happiness is a book by moral psychologist, Jonathan Haidt. He's a beast in the field.Highly, highly recommend it.
Check the user reviews and description...
www.amazon.com/Happiness-Hypothesis-Finding-Modern-Ancient/dp/0465028020/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1407897679&sr=1-1&keywords=happiness+hypothesis

Here's an example:
"I saw Chris Anderson (Wired Editor and TED co-founder) asked by Charlie Rose to name his favorite book of the last few years. "The Happiness Hypothesis" was the immediate response. Now this book is one of my favorites, too. The Happiness Hypothesis compares traditional philisohpical traditions with the lastest scientific discoveries, and the two ends meet well in the center. "

Later Phone Post 3.0