Woken up to crazy woman shit a min ago.

Dead ass asleep, worked all day sick in the scorching heat.

All the sudden my girlfriend comes flying in, nearly in tears talking about "the cat is stuck behind the metal siding and is crying and there is a huge snake blah blah blah"

My house has no metal siding and I've seen one snake there ever in 3 years. So I'm trying to call her hysterical bullshit and figure out wtf is going on.

There is no snake, there is no metal siding, the cat isn't even stuck at all, it's just under the house meowing occasionally (probably hungry). I demonstrated for her that there were several large spaces for humans to get in from under the house for repairs etc(house is elevated 3' off the ground) an that the cat was under there because it wanted to be. Hysterics continued. Sigh. Phone Post 3.0

Anyway after 20 minutes or so of her trying to "rescue" the cat, I put a bowl of food out by the opening and presto, cat. This is my life. Phone Post 3.0

I feel ya. Phone Post

Sorry man. That sucks. Bitches be crazy. Phone Post 3.0

In related news, my wife froze a bottle of almond champagne the other day on accident. My only advice to her was to not to open it because it would explode in her face. Off i went to the shower and not a minute later i hear a scream. She tried to open the bottle but it exploded in her face. The cork hit her in the bottom of the chin and champagne sprayed all over her face ruining her hair and makeup. I didn't have to say I told you so but I did Phone Post

I bet your batshit girlfriend gives the good sexytime though. Crazies, man. They are the best. Phone Post

i hope she is super hot

I didn't reply to a text about bananas on Monday night, the reaction was pretty similar. Spazzing the fuck out must have served some purpose at one stage of our evolution but the female homo sapiens needs to move on. Phone Post 3.0

darkness66 - In related news, my wife froze a bottle of almond champagne the other day on accident. My only advice to her was to not to open it because it would explode in her face. Off i went to the shower and not a minute later i hear a scream. She tried to open the bottle but it exploded in her face. The cork hit her in the bottom of the chin and champagne sprayed all over her face ruining her hair and makeup. I didn't have to say I told you so but I did Phone Post
Sound like she got a facial from a black guy and the champagne was a cover up. Phone Post 3.0

choadler - I bet your batshit girlfriend gives the good sexytime though. Crazies, man. They are the best. Phone Post
This. She must ride your dik like she's in a rodeo. Phone Post 3.0

Dead President -
darkness66 - In related news, my wife froze a bottle of almond champagne the other day on accident. My only advice to her was to not to open it because it would explode in her face. Off i went to the shower and not a minute later i hear a scream. She tried to open the bottle but it exploded in her face. The cork hit her in the bottom of the chin and champagne sprayed all over her face ruining her hair and makeup. I didn't have to say I told you so but I did Phone Post
Sound like she got a facial from a black guy and the champagne was a cover up. Phone Post 3.0

I know those black guys are like ninjas but it happened no more than 30 seconds after i left the room. I never met a black guy who could cum on my face that fast... Uh... I mean... What? Phone Post

darkness66 - In related news, my wife froze a bottle of almond champagne the other day on accident. My only advice to her was to not to open it because it would explode in her face. Off i went to the shower and not a minute later i hear a scream. She tried to open the bottle but it exploded in her face. The cork hit her in the bottom of the chin and champagne sprayed all over her face ruining her hair and makeup. I didn't have to say I told you so but I did Phone Post
Oh man, that is not good.... Phone Post 3.0

Do not marry this woman. Phone Post 3.0

What's weird is that education level makes no difference.  My girl is a lawyer and I actually started writing down the crazy/funny shit that comes out of her mouth.

Dead President -
darkness66 - In related news, my wife froze a bottle of almond champagne the other day on accident. My only advice to her was to not to open it because it would explode in her face. Off i went to the shower and not a minute later i hear a scream. She tried to open the bottle but it exploded in her face. The cork hit her in the bottom of the chin and champagne sprayed all over her face ruining her hair and makeup. I didn't have to say I told you so but I did Phone Post
Sound like she got a facial from a black guy and the champagne was a cover up. Phone Post 3.0

Hence "almond" Phone Post

Pretjah -


i hope she is super hot

Probably just an average cat. Phone Post 3.0

Damn Phone Post

RefriedJinx - My wife called me at work to ask if you need to add water to canned corn when you cook it. Phone Post 3.0

Lol holy shit!!! Phone Post

Unseen -

What's weird is that education level makes no difference.  My girl is a lawyer and I actually started writing down the crazy/funny shit that comes out of her mouth.

Very, very true. They also (in general) have NO sense of direction. Its fucking strange.

My wife is very bright, dual masters. She will call me to ask directions to somewhere she has been hundreds of times before. Phone Post

Hahaha... in for hilariously idiotic stories! Phone Post