Wombat's EliteXC Predictions

Lately, the UFC has become staggeringly popular among tough guy meat-heads who have obviously never done any kind of martial arts in their lives. In fact, it's nearly impossible these days to go out without seeing at least a dozen pot-bellied guys in Affliction or UFC shirts standing around smoking and loudly telling a girl wearing too much lip-gloss how they "do" UFC and once fought Royce Gracie, which they will pronounce with a hard "R". Sometimes, but not always, they are also trying to show someone how to do a choke-hold. These are the same people who insist on wearing enormous designer sunglasses even on overcast days, will spend six-hours at the gym without breaking a sweat, and tend to be weepy drunks.

So far, the UFC is the only show that has achieved this level of success, which is why these people use "UFC" to refer to all mixed martial arts, sometimes even as a verb, as in "I'll UFC your ass!". But that is all about to change, as Elite XC is about to go prime time on CBS with "Saturday Night Fights" which, as I understand, will immediately follow a "Friends" marathon. What effect will this have on the casual steroid user and his girlfriend - both of whom have been UFC fans since the first season of The Ultimate Fighter? It could go two ways. Despite the Elite XC marketing engine, at least half of them will go to work on Monday morning saying "Did you see the UFC on Saturday night"? The other half will likely add an Elite XC shirt to their wardrobe and start using "Kimbo" as a verb.

Kimbo Slice vs. James Thompson

I think it would be enormously funny to sneak up behind Kimbo Slice and immediately break into the chorus of "Wave Babies" by Honeymoon Suite. It would probably be the last thing you ever did, as a veritable hood of hooligans would immediately snuff out your life like a boot crushing the last embers of a fat blunt, but it would be worth it to see a second of confused alarm in his eyes, and perhaps hear a gasp of surprise from the deep curls of Kimbo's beard.

While the shrillness of badly-karaoke'd 80's rock might have the power to shake even the heartiest soul to their very core, (tested and proven on my girlfriend), I'm not sure if James "The Colossus" Thompson will be able to test Kimbo's resolve. Medical analysis has shown that the roots of Kimbo's beard go all they way into his heart and doctors have concluded that, if you were to shave off that wooly mane, Kimbo would spontaneously decrease in size like the Hulk transforming back into Bruce Banner, leaving him looking quite a bit like Dave Chappelle. That might be the only hope for "The Colossus". Of course, there's no way that NSAC officials will allow him to bring sheep shearers into the cage so Thompson will likely fall back on his usual game plan. Namely, he will run across the cage like The Juggernaut from X-Men 3 and crash directly into an oncoming fist. This will produce a shock-wave that, according to my calculations, will destroy the cage and kill everyone in the first three rows. My Guess: Slice by knockout.

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Solid gold, Mr. Wombat. As always.

Solid gold, Mr. Wombat. As always.

Solid gold, Mr. Wombat. As always.

Thanks, thanks, thanks!

Solid gold, Mr. Wombat. As always.

Solid gold, Mr. Wombat. As always.

 Solid gold, Mr. Wombat. As always.

Solid gold, Mr. Wombat. As always.

Solid gold, Mr. Wombat. As always.

Damnit! My stupid comp was f'd. Stupid triple post. Lol. I'll never live it down.

Solid gold. As always