Wanderlei Silva vs. Ricardo Arona
Some fighters don't so much ‘fight' as they perform a citizen's arrest. They tackle their opponent to the ground and then wait for the cops to show up. This might be the perfect recourse when your drunk uncle has gone berserk at a family gathering, but it's not the way to endear yourself to fight fans. Arona will try to take Silva down and hold him down like a security guard in a mental ward holding down a psychotic patient, waiting for the nurses to arrive with the sedatives. Silva, in the role of the psychopath, will struggle to get to his feet and break everything in sight, including but not limited to Arona's face. He will succeed and Arona will need an entire team of doctors to reassemble his face, Humpty-dumpty style.
Mauricio "Shogun" Rua vs. Alistair Overeem
Alistar Overeem is eleven feet tall and carries a big hammer. If that doesn't scare the hell out of you, I don't know what will. Fighting him is like trying to dry your hair in a windmill. One wrong move and your head lands in a patch of tulips ten miles away. "Shogun" has demonstrated a remarkable ability to stomp on people who seem content to lay on their back and get stomped. Alistar will have none of this and will win, using the guillotine like he's a member of the French revolution.
Winner Silva/Arona vs. Winner Rua/Overeem
Silva will beat Arona by decision and will advance to face Overeem who will have beaten Shogun by guillotine. Fists will hit faces and when the brain-smoke clears, Silva will be standing over a broken Dutchmen, who's cornermen will be weeping while whittling wooden shoes.
Fedor Emelianenko vs. Mirko "Cro Cop" Filipovic
Fedor will come into the fight looking bored and will probably yawn. Mirko will stare across the ring looking like he has just come home from a hard day of killing people to find Fedor simultaneously eating the food in his fridge and violating his sister. Can Fedor take "Cro Cop" down? No. Mirko will kick his head off, take the belt and then push over a few children on his way back to his locker room.
David "Tank" Abbott vs. Hidehiko Yoshida
Many Japanese businessmen have a recurring nightmare about being convicted of tax evasion and put in a jail cell with a big, scary white man. Curiously, whenever they have this dream, they wake up with an erection. Part of them wants to watch Tank dominate Yoshida. This part makes them feel guilty and funny in the pants. However, another part wants to see Yoshida choke Tank ‘til he pisses himself and passes out. This is the same part that speaks to them at night, telling them to put tight elastic bands on their genitals and then spend ten hours doing complicated and unnecessary paperwork. Who will win this fight? Yoshida. Tank will likely run out of gas sometime during the long walk to the Pride ring and will be dispatched in the first ten minute round. This will fill many Japanese businessmen with a mixture of rage, guilt and disappointment that they'll need professional help to understand.
Igor Vovchanchyn vs. Kazuhiro Nakamura
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One was raised in Japan and one grew up in Ukraine. One ate sushi and one ate borscht. One learned judo while one did kickboxing. After many years they met in the ring and fought each other. One was killed; and as the other watched his life flicker away he realized "Oh no! This is my brother"! Isn't that a sad story? I wrote it myself. KazNak wins by split decision.
Fabricio Werdum vs. Roman Zentsov
Who is Roman Zentsov? I'll tell you who he is. He's the big guy with the bandanna on his head that stares at you from across the bar and desperately wants you to fear him. He's the self-appointed tough guy who bullies people in the hot tub at the local YMCA. He's the guy who used to work the overnight shift at Safeway until he was fired for showing up drunk and driving a forklift through the floral deparment. Ok; no he isn't, but that's sure what he looks like. Werdum by submission in round one.