You guys any good at proof reading?

Here's a Sci fi comic I've done for Millarworld's open 4- 5 page submission. Does it make sense? I've put some Chav speak in it as it's a Brit publication. Anyway have a read and let me know if I made any mistakes or anything and then i'll submit it and get rejected etc lol.

Blue namer please help if pos or just follow the link chaps if you want to :)

http://i572.photobucket.com/albums/ss168/Graphicnovelstuff/Scifistoryfin.jpg


http://i572.photobucket.com/albums/ss168/Graphicnovelstuff/scifistorypage2fin.jpg


http://i572.photobucket.com/albums/ss168/Graphicnovelstuff/scifistorypage3fin.jpg


http://i572.photobucket.com/albums/ss168/Graphicnovelstuff/scifistorypage4fin.jpg


http://i572.photobucket.com/albums/ss168/Graphicnovelstuff/scifistorypage5fin.jpg



Thanks for any help and enjoy.

















for rduk

you have really good story telling and your composition has gotten much better man,as well as your coloring.

the only thing i could see sticking out is the main characters' hand on page three,second column.his right hand for me doesn't look accurate.i would turn the right hand more upwards,as if turning the wrist more to where the thumb nail is completely visible to the reader and the ring and pinky fingers are no longer visible.

other then that,and the fact that you make me want to kick myself for not going back to art school to improve my work,this is nice work.

Does "Chav" speak involve spelling "Pwofessor" in the first panel instead of "Professor"? If so than ignore that one.

Genocide should have a comma after it to read
"Tyranny,Genocide,and Evil"


"I'm going out" should have a period after it.

No My Wall should read No! My Wall!

When he puts the suit on should it be "Sweet ASS man" instead of Sweet AS man"?

Other than that I thought it was good, loved the Banksy reference.

Also "Corrupted" is spelled with 2 R's.

Tendencies is the correct spelling.



I hate seeing mistakes in comics from major publishers, makes me want to slap the editors.

Also in the panel where he asks "Why are you telling me dis" there should be a question mark after "dis" instead of a comma since he is posing a question.


Sorry for the 2 seperate posts but the edit function is all jacked up

It's really in need of some editing. I think Tom got most of the serious errors, but I'll have a look later.

The Yellow Emperor - 
TomBSupraT - 
Genocide should have a comma after it to read
"Tyranny,Genocide,and Evil"



The comma there is really unnecessary. You can use or not use it but it doesn't confuse anything by leaving it out in this instance.


You are correct in this case. However I always find it a good idea to teach people to always do it, especially if he's going to write more of these.

While in this instance it's not needed, it's also not wrong. In other cases leaving it out would be wrong so I always tell people to use it no matter what.

I proof-read it quick before work this morning so I missed a few things.

"I bet that guys never gotten laid" sounds right to me instead of "got laid". Though I think both ways work.

"Hu-Man you must warn your leaders" would be right, you typed "Yo Your" however I wasn't sure if that was the "Alien Stutter" like in later panels.

"You're one of them tings" is the correct sentence. You have an extra "are" before "one".

"I escaped the virus. However, they will come for me...for this. Here take it." sounds better to me. A few people can chime in if I'm wrong.

There may be a few more where periods should have been used instead of run-on sentences.

Thanks you guys. It's easy to get caught up in the layouts and drawing and I mess up on certain things like punctuation and spelling as they get glossed over. Appreciate the feedback.

"You have really good story telling and your composition has gotten much better man,as well as your coloring."

CHEERS MATE, BEEN WORKING HARD ON ALL OF THOSE GLAD IT'S SLOWLY COMING TOGETHER.

"the only thing i could see sticking out is the main characters' hand on page three,second column.his right hand for me doesn't look accurate.i would turn the right hand more upwards,as if turning the wrist more to where the thumb nail is completely visible to the reader and the ring and pinky fingers are no longer visible."

YOU'RE RIGHT, GOOD SPOT. I'LL TRY AND ALTER IT DIGITALLY.

"other then that,and the fact that you make me want to kick myself for not going back to art school to improve my work,this is nice work."


CHEERS, TBH MY DEGREE HAS JUST GIVEN ME TIME TO WORK MY ARSE OFF ON ILLUSTRATING IN DIFFERENT STYLES, THEY HAVENT REALLY HELPED ME TECHNICALLY THERE. ALL OF THAT HAS JUST COME WITH REPETITION AND DOING LIFE CLASSES AND STUDYING OTHER ARTISTS. IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO DO A SHORT COURSE ON DRAWING OR SOMETHING THAT WONT BREAK THE BANK. THANKS FOR POSTING IT TOO :)


"Does "Chav" speak involve spelling "Pwofessor" in the first panel instead of "Professor"? If so than ignore that one."

NO THAT'S THE SPEECH IMPEDIMENT THAT TV PRESENTER HAS, HE'S A REAL GUY OVER HERE (LIKE OUR JAY LENO). I USED HIM BECAUSE HE'S BIG MATES WITH MILLAR SO THOUGHT IT MIGHT EARN ME BROWNIE POINTS.

"When he puts the suit on should it be "Sweet ASS man" instead of Sweet AS man"?"

NO THAT BIT REALLY IS CHAV SPEAK. THANKS FOR THOSE OTHER ERROR FIXES THOUGH MATE.



I WILL FIX THESE AND SEE IF ALDER HISS COMES UP WITH ANY NEW ONES LATER.

You mean Jonathan Ross?

I'm really loving Turf, though I wish it came out on time.

Yeah, just wanted to do a cartoony version of him and the old Friday night set in the background.

Cheers again for all the help chaps i've just finished adjusting it apart from the hand and will put it on millarworld later.

Page 1, bottom panel, "Me 'ead" instead of "My 'ead", if you're going to drop the H and give him an accent you need to be consistent. Also need a comma after hope.

Page 2 Panel 1: need comma after Blah Blah (though I think "Blah, De, Blah." would work better.

Page panel 5: Better line would be "I bet that guy never, EVER, gets laid"

Page 3, panel 3: chane to "NO! My Wall!"

Page 3, panel 4: Robot should not use contraction "'till", substitute "until"

Page 3, panel 5: Comma after "heads up".

page 3, panel 6: comma after corrupted

page 4, panel 1: full stop after Okay

Page 5: Change the ebay page to one that isn't selling 6 items, one with a bigger cash value, and change speech from a laugh to a triumphant "Yeah!" at seeing just how much cash he's going to make.

of course that last one is just a my preference.

Good luck :)







Nitpicking particular things is difficult, so I rewrote with corrections. Made suggestions for stylistic writing changes as well, so it's not a strict proofread, more of a medium edit.

comments are made in square brackets

I'll post after this post, or can send a .txt file

Host: So professor, what you're saying is that if aliens visit earth, we're doomed?

Prof: Ha ha, well nothing's certain, but here's the thing [you don't need a comma here as it's the end of the bubble]

The first signals sent into space from Earth were not of our best and brightest[consider adding a word like 'acheivements'? sentences are not parallel as is, just a stylistic thing making it easier to read]...

But of tyranny, genocide and evil. Now tell me, what kind of message does that sent to our neighbours about us?

[consider changing the wording to improve bubble - box flow? it ends with asking what kind of message we send, and the box jumps right into what the aliens will do. It's makes logical sense, but the indirect consequence makes for a more difficult passage]

They'll come to take our resources and try to conquer us. To them, we are but savages.

Chav: I'm going out. All this Alien bollocks is doing my 'ead in.

Chavette: Job hunting I hope, you waste of space...

Chav: Get a job, blah blah. I bet Banksy never got this much grief from his old dear.

ChavThought: Aliens, pah! Whatever bruv. I bet that guy's never even got laid.

Chav: What the...?

You have got to be kidding me.

No! My Wall!

Robot: Hu-man...you must warn yo...your leaders. This is an invasion force. They will stop at nothing, until ['till' seems a bit street for a robot] there are no Re...resources left. All life destroyed or enslaved...

Chav: Look man, I appreciate the heads up, but how come you are like telling me dis, you're are [slang, I assume.] one of them tings.

Robot: We don't all believe you should be judged on past history. Our programme [in Canadian english, and any software texts I've read 'program' is the correct term. British, I don't know.] was corrupted, they are declaring war on all planets that have violent tendencies. I escaped the virus, however. They will come for me, for this. Here, take it...

Chav: Okay, I'm gonna listen to your playstation looking arse. What is dis ting?

Robot: This, Hu-man, is one of our deadliest weapons. With it, you must destroy my corrupt brothersss...[comic-book convention to add ellipses for a sentence that carries on btw panels]

...and ssave yyour planet. I fear the mmmay do the tzzzztsame to my own when they return [return more powerful is a bit awkward at the end if a complete sentence. do as thou wilt]. Yyou are this planet's last hope....

Chav: Rest in peace, Alien Geezer...Okay, here goes nuttin!

Chav: Sweet as[slang, yeah?] Man! I know exactly what I'm gonna do now.

Chav: heh heh

I don't want to edit that, as my mudname doesn't preserve html space brakes, but the 'our best and brightest' - 'tyranny, genocide and evil' thing is pretty much fine as is.

Shit, and I also typed 'sent' to our neighbours instead of 'send'. Worst proofreader ever :p

 Sweet.

Thanks for all the help you guys, I had to post the earlier edited version as I had to leave to be with my girlfriend in hospital, Alder you are a legend and if I get the opportunity I will edit it again with your suggestions also. I doubt it'll get picked up but I have a fall back website it can go on so it wont be wasted if Millar and co arent interested.


Many thanks to you all.

No problem. If you ever need help again, we can do it in word or some such program where you can track any changes I make.

alger.hiss@gmail.com

Thanks Alder that would be fantastic.