Dana White Boycotts Internet, Telephone Service, Electricity, Fire
by Mitch Cumstein
May 10, 2014
"I decided to stop reading the Internet, that godforsaken Wild West of faceless egg criticism. Then I figured I might as well go off the grid," said UFC President Dana White.
"I just finished drinking two gallons of unpasteurized milk and I'm going to be sick."
The controversial figurehead of the most advanced MMA organization on the planet mostly abandoned all forms of electronic media earlier this month after an intolerable stream of criticism from "plugged in" fans.
"A month ago, I downgraded to a flip phone. Two weeks later, I canceled HBO. Last Monday, I cut the gas line to my home furnace," he remembered.
"Yesterday, I beat a squirrel to death using a fallen branch from a dead elm tree, then wondered how the sun started on fire again each morning after spending an entire night in the bottom of the Great Water."
UFC Owner Lorenzo Fertitta is frustrated by the sudden changes.
"My only connection with Dana now is Twitter. A couple days ago, I told him to bump Nate Diaz in the rankings as a gesture of good will, but I ran out of characters," Fertitta said.
"My kingdom for a TwitLonger account."
Recent attempts to contact White for further comment were interrupted when he slaughtered an entire flock of carrier pigeons using a crude spear.