It's amazing that more top-level fighters haven't come out of Australia since, according to what I've heard, it was used by the British as a prison colony. I can't imagine the logic behind rounding up criminals in a cold, rainy country and sending them to a tropical paradise but that is a discussion for another day. Countless prison riots have proven that criminals love to fight, so if Australia really is a nation founded by ne'er-do-wells, why are there not more of them in MMA? I can think of two possible reasons. First, again based on the rumors I've heard, it is my understanding that the British quickly followed the first few boatloads of criminals with a wave of prostitutes. Can you imagine the delight your average pick-pocket must've felt after being sent to a land of sandy pristine beaches with weekly shipments of fresh whores? That's the sort of "punishment" that would cause a massive crime wave these days.
But I digress. The theory I am getting at here is that nothing calms the aggressive criminal mind like tanning, surfing and plentiful sex. Also, in my travels I have noticed that most Australians begin drinking at 9 a.m. each morning and continue until 8:30 a.m. the next day; only stopping for a half-hour-break to have a leisurely morning cigarette and urinate blood from their severely damaged liver. With a schedule like that, who has time to go to the gym? Does this explain why there aren't more Australian MMA fighters? Not at all. However, none of this matters anyway since most UFC fans are from the United States and divide the world into three groups: Americans, terrorists and "other"; which includes Australians, Canadians, the British and most of South America, including Brazil.
Antonio "Minotauro" Nogueira vs. Cain Velasquez
Everyone likes to say that you never know what is going to happen in mixed martial arts. Certainly, that is true here since both Nogueira and Velasquez hail from the upper echelons of human toughness and grew up enjoying innocent childhood games such as crowbar fights and bullwhip-tag. Does anyone really know who is going to win? No. This is a refreshing change from the last UFC, where literally everyone knew what was going to happen and seemed to lament the defeat of Mark Coleman even before he laced up his gloves. Honestly, the only surprising thing about that fight was that immediately after Randy Couture was done beating Coleman down, Tito Ortiz set a new record in the race to become the ultimate douche-bag by trash-talking the broken, defeated old man during his post-fight interview. Why did he do that? I suppose he was operating under the idea that no press is bad press. Of course, if that were true, he could further elevate his career by kicking an elderly lady out of her wheelchair and then running off with her bag of oranges. My Guess: Nogueira by submission.
Wanderlei Silva vs. Micheal Bisping
I met Silva a few years ago and I was immediately struck by how absolutely flat his face was. Honestly, it was like someone had drawn a face on a wall. I guess when you make a living getting punched in the face, you suffer the effects of fist-erosion, like how the face of the Sphinx has been pounded flat by wind and blowing sand. Regardless, "The Axe Murderer" looks a lot different now that he has had plastic surgery, almost like a cross between Vin Diesel and Mr. Bean. Will Bisping break the doozer-sticks that have been put in Silva's face and punch it flat again? Maybe. Wanderlei's "enraged gorilla" style has a proven track record in Japan, where he has beaten up approximately 4% of the entire male population, but it has failed badly most of the time in the octagon so far. Still, there's something about "The Count" that makes me think "The Axe Murderer" will lay him out like a throw-rug made of mangled flesh. My Guess: Silva by TKO.
Joe Stevenson vs. George Sotiropoulos
As a very famous journalist, I have met almost every famous fighter you can think of and I have failed to impress them all with my encyclopedic knowledge of MMA trivia, which is wrong about half the time. In the case of Stevenson, I met him while standing in line to get into a UFC. As I recall, he was approximately four feet tall and was spitting chewing tobacco juice into a beer cup. I think I spoke with him, but I don't remember what about. I met Sotiropoulos later at an Abu Dhabi Submission Wrestling event, where he was choked immediately by Marcelo Garcia. I spoke with Garcia later and was impressed to find he did an excellent "Borat" impression. My Guess: Stevenson by submission.
Keith Jardine vs. Ryan Bader
The only thing more bizarre than Jardine's "herky jerky" fighting style is his record in the UFC. Honestly, watching him throw kicks and punches, you wonder how he isn't wrenching his spine out of position with every strike he throws. None of it makes any sense, which is exactly how he has beaten names like Forrest Griffin, Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell and Brandon Vera, all of whom found themselves on the losing end of matches against a fighter who, based strictly on appearance, doesn't seem to have any idea what the hell he is doing. It must feel like losing a chess match to a monkey. Then again, Jardine has lost four of his last six octagon outings, suffering knockouts to Wanderlei Silva and Houston Alexander that nearly saw him get his baby beard knocked clean off. Bader has the body of "The Ultimate Warrior", the face of Doogie Howser M.D. and the dark, brooding eyes of a predator shark. My Guess: Jardine by decision.
Mirko "Cro Cop" Filopovic vs. Anthony Perosh
I never thought a day would come when I would feel sorry for Mirko "Cro Cop" Filopovic. I can remember the days when he was a terror in Japan, kicking opponents to death with the merciless rage of a man who has seen so much death and suffering in his life, his mind has been permanently re-wired so that the only way he can vent his boundless sorrow and sickness with the world is by visiting ungodly physical atrocities on the innocent. I was certain his training diet was mostly puppies and that even the devil was afraid of the day that "Cro Cop" might come knocking on the gates of Hades wearing his Croation-flag checked shorts. But now my feelings for him have softened and soured as Filopovic has become a sad afterthought like the old man who used to drive his knife-sharpening cart up the streets of the village, ringing his bell to make his business until the day when everyone got Ginsu knives and his bell-sound began falling on the deaf ears of happy wives who could slice right through a tomato even after cutting a steel pipe in half. Does Filopovic have any place in the octagon these days? After suffering losses to Cheick Kongo and Junior Dos Santos, it's all in question. Originally, he was set to face "Big" Ben Rothwell, which was effectively a death sentence, but now fate has blessed him with a late replacem
ent opponent in Australian fighter Anthony "Hippo" Perosh. Hippos are dangerous animals and are responsible for countless deaths every year in Africa due to their extremely territorial nature and love for overturning rafts and swallowing people whole, but Perosh will invariably try to tackle Filopovic to the mat and take a kick to the face in the process. My Guess: "Cro Cop" by TKO.
Stephan Bonnar vs. Krzyszstof Soszynski
Bonnar is coming off two losses and it's hard to figure out which is more humbling. The last one was to Mark Coleman, who is so old, his first wrestling match was immortalized in cave paintings. The other was at the hands of Jon Jones who still isn't old enough to buy beer in some countries. So which is worse? Losing to a very old man or to a very young man? Regardless, if Bonnar loses here he will invariably be cut from the UFC. The good news for Bonnar is that Krzyszstof went to Australia with some kind of monster lung infection and probably has the cardio of an elderly chain-smoker. Combine with that a flight over 20-hours long and across God-knows-how-many time zones and Soszynski will likely feel like he's fighting on the moon with his lungs full of asbestos in the year 1939. My Guess: Krzyszstof by decision.
Chris Lytle vs. Brian Foster
Foster's won his last fight by over-powering Brock Larson who is a man who keeps in shape by bench pressing farm machinery on cold winter days. To put that in perspective, it's like out-thinking Hannibal Lecter, out-eating a Yokuzuna sumo wrestler or out-singing the offspring of Micheal Bolton and Celine Dion which incidentally is a nightmare-coupling that must never be allowed to take place since it would produce a banshee monster that would destroy the world with a power love ballad that would crack the tectonic plates of the planet. Getting back on track, sending Lytle in to face Foster seems like something out of a Ray Harryhausen movie where an ancient hero is set against a monster at unbelievable odds to appease easily-offended gods. What has Lytle done to offend the deities of the octagon? Nothing, but someone must face the nine-headed hydra-lion and Lytle probably took the fight without thinking twice about it since he walks the line where brave turns to crazy. My Guess: Foster by decision.
great stuff as always wombat
They cant cut Bonnar or Griffin . They are The Ultimate Fighters