Kazushi Sakuraba (Japan) vs. Ikuhisa Minowa (Japan)
Sak is like your 'crazy' drinking buddy. Minowa is like the 'crazy' guy on the bus who sits right beside you and then gets into a screaming argument with the invisible man who lives in his pants. Those are two very different kinds of crazy. This is why Sak has been training with Chute Boxe and Minowa has been training by dodging fastballs in a batting cage. Minowa will run to the ring, wearing a cape, punching at the sky and shouting about how he has 'captured the spirit of the ocean'. Sak will then give him the beating of a lifetime. Funny crazy beats plain ol' crazy.
Aleksander Emelianenko (Russia) vs. Pawel Nastula (Poland)
Would you rather fight an Olympic level athlete or a creature spawned from the nightmares of HP Lovecraft? My choice: f*ck choosing and run like hell! Emelianenko Alexander is so creepy, he probably gives the grim reaper the willies. I am convinced he is a Shoggoth. Will he send Nastula into the many-tentacled embrace of C'thulu? I don't think so. He should have the Pope bless his water bottle and spray down Emelianenko with holy water from across the ring. Most likely outcome; Nastula wins via submission and sends Emelianenko back down the thousand shadow-cloaked steps to the gulags from whence he came.
James Thompson (UK) vs. Giant Silva (Brazil)
Imagine this; you are carrying five hundred pounds of luggage up a hill and you are having an asthma attack. Also you have a bad perm. Now you know what Giant Silva feels like every single second of his life. What could be worse than that? Having a guy whose nickname is "The Colossus" punch you square in your gigantic face. Honestly, I feel sorry for Giant Silva because I really don't think he likes being and fighter, but what else could he be? A proctologist? Screw that. Get in the ring, freak-o! It's time to fight for your dinner. Thompson by TKO/referee stoppage.
Ken Kaneko (Japan) vs. Charles Krazy Horse Bennett (USA)
Dear Ken Kaneko: are you mad? Krazy Horse will leave you mangled and paralyzed for life. You will never film a freaky Japanese wasabi juice commercial ever again. My advice; send in your stunt double.
Fedor Emelianenko (Russia) vs. Zulu (Brazil)
Ever hear the expression "the bigger they are, the harder they fall"? Zulu will fall hard. His fight with Henry Miller reminded me of a dream I had where Joe Son tried to steal Emmauel Yarborough's shoes (unsuccessfully). Zulu says he's won 30 fights via KO but I suspect this is simply a glorified list of the people he's pushed down to get to the front of the line at Krispy Kreme, Fedor will land a crushing upside-down punch to one side of Zulu's face and then the other. Then Zulu will fall face-down onto the canvas as dead as a stone, while Fedor smiles and waves to the crowd.
Mark Hunt (New Zealand) vs. Mirko Crocop (Croatia)
CroCop eats a live kitten for breakfast every morning. He then spends his day kicking the heads off death-row inmates while clawing at himself and screaming at the sky for no apparent reason. At night, he enjoys a quiet cup of tea and reads Jane Austen. Everyone is afraid of him, and rightfully so, except for Mark Hunt. Mark Hunt is the Sinestro to CroCop's Green Lantern. He is the Bizarro to Mirko's Superman. Hunt is the Black Manta to Cro Cops Aquaman. The giant amazon woman to combat his Apache Chief, the talking gorilla that always ended up fighting Batman and Robin after everyone else paired off like drunk teenagers at a campfire party. Hunt cannot be knocked out. You could blind-fold him and get Babe Ruth to hit him straight on the jaw with a pickaxe and I bet you Hunt wouldn't even spill his cup of fine New Zealand brewed coffee. Hunt will wear Cro Cop down and win a decision; then fight Fedor in the spring of 2006 and lose.
Kazuhiro Nakamura (Japan) vs. Yuki Kondo (Japan)
Igor Vovchanchyn put such an epic beating on Kondo, I'm surprised they haven't added it to the Bible. I can only imagine the brutal thrashing that KazNak is going to feed him. Kondo is like a kangaroo with a jackhammer. He jumps around and things get broken, but KazNak is going to toss him into his melon and give him the grind-down bulldozer style. After 15 minutes of agony, Kondo will be crying blood, pissing sweat, sweating piss and bleeding tears. Ouch. KazNak by decision.
Makoto Takimoto (Japan) vs. Sanae Kikuta (Japan)
I wish my name were Makato. I would burst into crowded coffee shops and shout "I AM MAKATO!" and then laugh maniacally until someone started crying or security arrived to escort me from the premises. Takimoto might be a badass Judoka, but in the world of Pride that's like being one of the smarter guys in the Special Ed. Class. Kikuta is the real deal and will put Takimoto back on the short bus to the Kodokan.
Hidehiko Yoshida (Japan) vs. Naoya Ogawa (Japan)
This will either be a brutal Severn-esque work or a furious battle to best even the most drunken family reunion gone wrong. Either way, Yoshida will choke Ogawa unconscious in the first round.
Wanderlei Silva (Brazil) vs. Ricardo Arona (Brazil)
Arona likes tigers. He is covered in tiger tattoos. He says he thinks like a tiger and fights like a tiger. He is wrong. I have never once seen a tiger tackle its prey to the ground and then hold it there without doing anything for a full fifteen minutes. I think Arona is a lot more like a straight-jacket than a tiger because once he's on you, he's hard to get off. That is especially ironic considering Silva is like a bloodthirsty maniac who should very probably be put in both a straight-jacket and a locked padded room in the name of public safety. Will the straight-jacket be able to hold the maniac? Not this time. Silva will knock the silly-looking mustache right off Arona's face and likely win via TKO/ref stoppage in the second round.
Dan Henderson (USA) vs. Murilo Bustamante (Brazil)
Murilo has been foaming at the mouth for this fight ever since he lost via 'headbutt' to Henderson back in 2003. Will this fight be any different? No. Henderson will feed Murilo a steady diet of right hands until Busta is leaking Acai from both his ears. Afterwards, Murilo and Arona will engage in a contest to see who can come up with the most ridiculous excuse for their loss. Arona will win by claiming the sun was in his eyes.
Takanori Gomi (Japan) vs. Hayato "Mach" Sakurai (Japan)
Xbox vs. Xbox 360. T-1000 vs. New Liquid Metal Terminator. Cowboy from Toy Story vs. Buzz Lightyear. Gomi is faster, stronger and has better graphics. Also, he is backwards compatible and plays ALL the games you bought for your original Mach. Remember when you got your first Takada? Ha ha ha ha. Gomi via ref stoppage.