Phil Baroni vs. Ikuhisa Minowa
Baroni came into the UFC surfing on a wave of Deca, Winstrol and goat tranquilizers, but then they started drug testing and suddenly watching him fight was like watching your drunken uncle Roy trying unsuccessfully to clean the garage. It was awkward, pitiful and made for very poor entertainment. Now Baroni has found a new home in Pride, where steroid abuse is kid's stuff compared to the mutated experiments that Japanese vivisectionists send cart-wheeling into the ring to defend the national honor. Watch for Baroni's ‘pharmacist' in his corner, casually giving him injections of gorilla blood between rounds. Minowa will train in his usual, unusual way (*see footnote). After a morning of primal scream therapy (good for chi, bad for neighbors) he'll go do squats in the woods while allowing bugs to sting him. Then he'll go down to the ocean and stand in the surf (to absorb chi). Once in the ring, he'll try a jumping kick and get brutally KO'd (again) by Baroni, who will be so full of moose-juice, he'll have to be herded back into his locker-room by Pride security guards armed with nets and fully-charged tazers. (*Minowa actually does this stuff).
Murilo Bustamante vs. Masanori Suda
Busta just can't catch a break in Japan. Before Rampage found Christ and got gentle, Busta had to fight the guy on three days notice and even then the refs gave Rampage a ten-minute break to pull his shorts up (complicated techonology). Busta got screwed again when Hendo knocked him down and the ref jumped in like Murilo's head had come off and landed in the sixth row. Finally they put Murilo in with KazNak, who's got a hundred pounds of extra sashimi to hold Busta down. Now he's got a shot against someone his own size; Suda looks like the child of Bruce Lee and a hot geisha girl, but is totally capable of turning both your feet right around so they end up in their original position. Will that be Busta's fate? Nope. Busta will win the fight and lose a decision.
Ryo Chonan vs. Dan Henderson
If Dr. Frankenstein had been Japanese, Ryo Chonan would've been the thing stumbing out of his lab, screaming and reeking of burned flesh and ozone. It's like the brain of Mas Oyama stuck in an awful crossbreed albino salmon kangaroo. If that isn't the stuff of nightmares, I don't know what is. It wouldn't surprise me at all to see him cough up stomach acid onto his opponent like a scene from "The Fly". Still, Henderson is a bad mutha. I bet when he was born and the doctor slapped his ass, he TKO'd the guy with a straight right. Who wins this one? I'll take Henderson.
Akihiro Gono vs. Daniel Acacio
Akihiro Gono complained at the press conference that there were too many Japanese fighters in this event. Now he's fighting a Brazilian stomping machine that will treat him like a twice-divorced housewife treats a big black bug on her clean white linoleum kitchen floor. No, I don't mean that Acacio will try to gently pick Gono up with a dinner napkin and throw him out the window. I was thinking more of a furious series of stomps. Gono has a right leg that is sponsored by purolator, but Acacio is from Chute Boxe, where kicks to the head are exchanged as a display of friendship. Acacio will step on Gono's head at least four times and will extinguish his life like an old cigarette.
Ryuta Sakurai vs. Paulo Filho
Paulo Filho should be in the tournament, not in this silly reserve match. No doubt, he'll get taken down and submit Sakurai but then claim he broke his foot and be unable to enter the tournament.
Takanori Gomi vs. Tatsuya Kawajiri
Gomi is preparing for this match by studying karate. Normally, that would be the kiss of death for any MMA fighter, but Gomi has so many existing skills he could spend two weeks before the fight exclusively studying origami and he'd probably make some decorative paper birds while turning his opponent into a bloody wreck. Can Kawajiri take him down? Nope. Gomi by brutal uppercut.
Naoyuki Kotani vs. Luis Azeredo
Kotani is good, but not good enough to avoid the hailstorm of heels, fists and knees that Azeredo will force-feed him. This will look a lot like the Acacio vs. Gono fight, and Mr. Kotani will lose in an exceptionally gruesome stomp-fest that will remind him of the Godzilla movies from his childhood.
Hayoto "Mach" Sakurai vs. Jens Pulver
Jens Pulver tries to turn every MMA fight into a boxing match, which would be great if I wanted to watch boxing. Strangely, when I watch Pride, I want to see MMA. Of course when "Mach" fights, it looks like something out of Cirque Du Soliel, despite the fact that he has the body of an arthritic 90-year old man; thanks to being around the Japanese fight-circuit for over ten years. Mach will likely win by heel hook and go straight to the hospital to have his ribs and cheekbones replaced.
Yves Edwards vs. Joachim Hansen
Something tells me that Edwards has a lot of experience beating up big white guys with tattoos. Hansen has a "Viking Power" advantage but fighting Edwards is like trying to catch two greased kangaroos in a hailstorm; things are springing around, slipping away and hitting you in the head. The gangsta cowboy sends the Viking out to sea on a burning boat full of horses and treasure.
Dokonjonosuke Mishima vs. Charles "Krazy Horse" Bennett
"Krazy Horse" is too "Krazy" and will go down in MMA history (along with Kevin Randleman) as a guy who could've been the best in the world if he'd spent more time learning how to escape basic submissions and less time smoking enormous amounts of wacky tobakee. Mishima will probably submit him before the ring announcer is even done announcing his first name, whatever it is …